Hm. Today Jordan and I went to see Taryn's grave. and I think that they gave her a really nice headstone, and when I die I want mine to look like that. I've been thinking about dying a lot, and I can't help admitting that it's been surfacing in my brain as a result of a world which the positive has been sucked out of. Everything has something negative to say-social secutiy is failing, the war is failing, people are blowing up, gas prices are rising, our jobs are going overseas. Now who should I thank for this, who should I thank for giving me a world to grow up in that doesn't give a shit whether I live or die? Thanks a lot for giving me a place in time when I can really prosper, knowing that every cent I have will probably be going to gas money and to pay for some old people meanwhile when I am old and have no bladder control, no one will pay for me. More and more I notice the people that come into Dairy Queen, and I watch them. I notice the small children with sticky fingers who think everything is so big and colorful. I notice the teens with braces and trendy clothes who never leave tips and I notice the older people, the mothers and fathers and grandparents. They are all so wrinkled to me, so jaded, like they have seen everything and thus there is no more reason to live. The older people especially, the ones who takes five minutes to walk up to the front counter just so they can order a small cone of fat free yogurt.

The mothers are all the same, they all have the same hair and carry the same dull purses and have to discipline their children and talk about the same dry topics with their friends. And while I help them, I think to myself, is this what I am going to be like at that age? It really, really depresses me, thinking that I'll get those stretch marks and baby fat and lines around my face and have to buy CortiSlim. It depresses me so much, it's really starting to bother me. I can't live like that. I will never become that way. So out of it, so removed from popular culture, I love my life the way it is now, and I don't want it to change.

More and more I think about what it's like to die. I want to know so badly, but I am not ready to die yet. Maybe what they say is true, maybe I will go to heaven. But what if I rot in hell? Forever? And then again, maybe what if I just plain rot, with no capacity to think or feel...thinking that one day I will not be able to think scares me. I wonder if I will know when I die, I wonder what my last thought will be, I wonder if I will know I am dead, I wonder if I will want to go back..


And sometimes, sometimes I don't think I should be in a relationship right now. I thought I wanted one, I really thought I did, but now I am having reservations. I like the idea of a boyfriend...I am happy where I am now, but somehow something is wrong, and I don't know what it is. I just feel so tied down and trapped, but then if I didn't have this, what would I have? I remember feeling this way with Ryan...but I don't know why I have any right to, because Dan is such a good guy and it was me who pursued this..all I know is that these feelings are here, and I guess I should ignore them, because they come without justification.