I've taken a nap and settled down and collected my thoughts. I really think I should write a book or something.

As I was driving to play practice tonight I looked at the dashboard of my father's car and then I started to break down. I was very thankful that I have another car to drive, but there are some things that insurance does not take care of. My grandfather wanted me to have that car, and when he died it was the only real and material thing I had to remember him by. Maybe it sounds sappy, but to me he was a little blue car that I drove to school in every day. In my life, that was how he was represented. That car had very little monetary value, but its sentimental value was worth millions. And that is something that no one is going to think about when they turn to reimburse me, and it's something I'm just going to have to live with. I still can't see how someone can be so cold as to take something that meant so much to me and run off with it. To think that the most valuable thing I have ever owned is now raped and left to rust on the side of the road devastates me. It rips me apart inside and fills me with anger that has no place to go. That there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. I have learned a lesson, and that is that all men are scumbags until they prove themselves otherwise. A sorry but necesarry lesson to learn.

I also dumped Dan. I did it earlier in the evening and I did feel bad about it but there's nothing I can do. I need someone who is going to be there for me and I have stressed that with him, that I needed someone emotionally, and if he can't understand that then there is nothing more I have to say to him. Maybe in a little while we can start going out again, but for right now, I cannot be committed to someone when there are things inside me which need to be addressed. I just don't feel as if he cared about what happened. Like I should just get on with it and then we could hang out in his room and make out and do naughty things and it would be like nothing happened. Ok, no. I don't know, maybe it's because I am his first girlfriend, but he needs to learn a few things. Like there's more to going out with someone than giving them head in the back of his car after a midnight movie after we smoked a bowl. No. I needed someone to comfort me when I was going through something hard, and I would qualify this as "something hard."

I don't think anyone is good enough for me right now, relationship wise. I don't want to be involved with these meaningless little flings in which a couple of cliche phrases are tossed around under the covers while we shush each other so that our parents won't know we are there. This year was supposed to be fun and laid back, and look what fucking happened. So now I am going to try and make the most of what I have. I really want to go to homecoming, even if it is a waste. Maybe I will ask Chris to go, because he is the only guy who has really and truly been there for me. I want to relax and have a good time and not have to be so serious and worry about what the next step is with my boyfriend. I should have listened to myself early on when I said I didn't want a boyfriend this year.

I also have thought about some other things. I believe that when people die they go somewhere, and I believe that my grandfather watches over me. I believe that he keeps me out of harm's way. He wanted me to have his car, and why it was stolen, I haven't figured out. But this is life. This is what we were given and sometimes things happen which have no definite answer and the more you ask why, the more it doesn't make sense. Bad things happen to good people. Undeserving people get screwed. People die and things get lost and cars get stolen, and I know my grandfather saw everything that has happened. I am leaving it in his hands to take care of things, because I know he will.