Last week, before I had actually graduated, I was filled with this irrepressable joy of having completed something. Now I am a little more heavy. Last night we threw our caps in the air. People sprayed silly string and boys inflated beach balls while old men gave boring speeches. There I was, in a chair next to the same people who had counted straws with me in kindergarten and watched me throw up in 5th grade. I was never so proud of myself. The second you tell someone you're graduating, it's the best feeling as they congratulate you and act as if they care where you're going to school. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But it still feels wonderful.

I'm not scared about leaving home. I'm not worried about having to do my laundry. My biggest, absolute number one fear is being alone. I am not sure if the friends I have made here exist somewhere else, and I am almost too scared to find out. What if everyone at college thinks I'm weird, or mean, or a nasty combination of the two? What if girls find me immature and guys find me slovenly? What if the way I have been raised just doesn't work in South Carolina? I am scared of nothing else besides the prospect of spending my college life with no one to talk to. I used to be so shy, but I have gotten over it. I can make conversation with people, make them laugh, sure. But there's a difference between two people who happen to be together and two people who are completely comfortable around one another. I don't want this online journal to become my only outlet of expression. I don't want to be one of those strange kids who hole themselves up in their rooms and surf the web for satanic rituals. I can look in a brochure to see what my dorm looks like, go on a website to see what classes to take. Everything is pretty much in black and white. Except for the people, and it really, really freaks me out and it's the only thing preventing me from being completely overjoyed about leaving here. High school was predictable, it was a routine, I knew what would happen everytime and I built myself around that. But now that's over. I'm not a kid anymore. There's a chapter of my life that is said and done with. I remember the first night I spent at my acting camp last summer in NYC. It was about 9 at night, and I had nothing to do so I went to bed early. I had neglected to bring posters and other objects of interest to decorate my room, so my walls where this ugly yellowish white. I couldn't sleep at all, and the room was swallowing me into its bland hell. I could hear other kids outside laughing and bonding and all that other stuff, and I felt so horribly alone. I eventually made friends with three girls, but at that time I felt like going right back home to Jersey. We became fucking great friends, and when camp was over I didn't think I could go back home.

I imagine it will be the same for college. But still. I have all these worst case scenarios playing in my mind, with nothing to extinguish them. Oh well, I'll live through it.

This website has done a lot for me in the two years I have been keeping it. I started writing it when I was still very much in high school, and it has evolved into a lot more. There's many entries about people and things that took place in high school, and a lot about how I hated school but in retrospect, I enjoyed these four years. I wish everyone the best as they go on to whatever they choose. Congratulations to my class, and to classes everywhere!