I've figured out something that probably has a lot to do with everything. I am shitty girlfriend. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm bitchy, maybe I'm not funny or spontaneous enough. But whatever the reason, I know what I know, and I know I suck in relationships.

I was foolish to think that in college things would be different. That guys would be better and people would be nicer and it would be so much easier to get along and form relationships because we are all "adults" now. Wrong. I'm not a college student, just a high school kid who has moved on. The thing is, I knew it would be like this, I was just too stubborn and too dillusional to think that what someone told me would be any different from the shallow meaningless blather I had sworn to avoid. Yes kids, I got played.

I guess I am a shitty girlfriend because I am not ok with my significant other going to various parties and having sex with girls who he won't remember the names of in the morning and getting a disease and having to go to the campus clinic and take medication. I try not to be clingy. But I'm really not all for my boyfriend joining a frat and getting shitfaced every night. Sorry.

I don't know why I am so bothered by this. It's really not a big deal and it's happened plenty a time. I just don't think I'll ever have a boyfriend. What guy would say, "Ok, I'm not going to look at anyone else except you." None. And I'm not trying to be some feminist bra burning gender equality activist. I'm just speaking the mother fucking truth. Girls have been told this eternal lie that some day her prince will come and they will ride off in the sunset and live forever without any problems or divorces or cheating or lying or a need to be free or anything. No. As much as I'd like to think this, it just isn't going to happen.

I need to make some friends or something.


And another thing. I really, really hate when people try and force their own beliefs onto others. Let me rephrase. I hate when Christians try and convince everyone that they should be on their knees begging for forgiveness.

I'm not against God. I believe in him. But I believe we've got a choice of whether or not we want to acknowledge him, that he gave us free will, and with that will we can do whatever we want, and if we want to memorize the books of the Bible and sing in the chorus we can, and if we want to sleep in Sunday and not listen to Christian talk radio we can do that as well. So why do people think they need to constantly be preaching to everyone else like the world is their sermon? There's this ulta Christian girl in my dorm. the other day we were all in this kid's room and this one guy was saying that he broke down and smoked a cigarette the other day after trying to quit. Immediately, she got this look on her face like a baby had just been slaughtered. "Why do you do that stuff? Why do you do that in order to be happy? Can't you do something else instead?" SHUT THE HELL UP. This wasn't the normal dialogue between two concerned friends. This was that whiny, abbrasive Christian morals yammering I had heard for so long. If the kid wants to smoke a cigarette, who the hell cares? It doesn't make him a bad person. It's not like he went out and murdered someone. If someone wants to drink or smoke pot, and they don't let it get out of hand, then so what? There's a difference between enjoying it in moderation and abusing it. As long as you can handle it, then go for it. God, I HATE when people try and act like they're so much better than you just because they've never been drunk or they've never stayed out really late and had to spend the entire day after recovering and sitting around in their pajamas and wishing they didn't get trashed the night before and then going out and doing it again next week. It's not like all I do is drink and get high. Most of the time I just screw around in someone's room watching TV and talking about stupid stuff. But I like to go out sometimes, and so does everyone else because we're in college, and if you're going to try and convert all 16,000 of us into believers then go home.

Last week my friend and I went to a local coffeeshop, not realizing it was affiliated with a church. The people there were very nice, but they spent the entire time talking about how fun church was and all the things they do and the trips they take and the memories they have and whatnot. And even when it was clear that I was ready to move on to the next subject, they still kept going on about it. Then, one of them called me the other day and left a voicemail saying how she looked forward to seeing me in church and all this other stuff.

I'm not an atheist or some devil worshipping little punk. I just think people should be able to do what they want without getting a damn lecture about every unholy thing they do.