I should have left the room as soon as the music came on. Everyone knows it's stupid to drink in the dorms, but we do it anyway, because we're stupid freshmen. We tried to be quiet, we tried to maintain order, but trying to suppress 15 drunk kids in a room meant for three is impossible. So the RA came and we all got busted. We told the truth, we were compliant. My heart was pounding the entire time. Will I lose my scholarship? Will my mom ever know? God I was so scared, but everyone reassured me that on your first offense you just have to pay a fine and go to an AA class. Whatever I have to do to keep this from being on my record is fine with me. As long as I have my scholarship they can charge me whatever they want. So I guess now I have to appear in front of a judge. But we all got busted together, so at least I have a shoulder to cry on. After we all got done giving our names they sent us to our rooms but I did not want to go back to mine and sleep by myself. I'm on a different floor, and I was way too aggitated to sleep. Me and Mike knocked on Frank's door, who was in his scooby doo boxers. I said I couldn't sleep and that I didn't want to go back upstairs. I wasn't trying to invite myself in, I swear. I was hoping he'd want to stay up and talk for a bit. But he told me to come spend the night with him. Well Frank is cute, and I guess you could say I had a crush on him but I was really trying not to, so I said ok. I felt bad because he said he'd take the floor so I could have the bed, and I didn't want him to but he insisted it was ok.

So we tried to sleep. After a few minutes of blankly staring into the pillow I heard him say, "So who else can't sleep?" I know I couldn't. I kept thinking about how stupid I was for getting caught. I don't even drink that much, and ever since I've been here things have been different. I didn't want to be one of those people who fail out of school. Nonetheless, we talked for a hell of a long time. Frank asked if I'd be uncomfortable if he got into the bed with me, and of course I wasn't. By this time room mate Ben had woken up. Ben and Frank have nothing in common. Ben likes Star Wars. Frank likes climbing mountains. But it didn't matter, because we stayed up and talked for hours about politics and the military and everything. It was the most those two had ever talked, and then Ben finally rolled over and went to bed, and it was just me and Frank left awake. Sometimes you find yourself in the oddest situations with people. I considered Frank my friend, but I never thought I'd be in the same bed as him after we got busted for drinking. He was slowly gaining my trust. The whole night he had watched over me, asking if I was ok, and when we went to the bar a few nights ago he had done the same thing. And now we were sitting there in the dark, and we just started talking. About everything. We talked for literally three and a half hours. It was probably the most extensive conversation I'd ever had with a guy. We inevitably got on the topic of dating and sex and all that. And yea, we made out. It was SO WEIRD. I never thought it would happen. I always thought he'd want someone prettier, thinner, better than me. But we did anyways. I was scared things would be weird the next day, but he said he was sober and he wanted to. I follow the doctrine of Whatever A Guy Tells You In College Is Bullshit, but damn, some guys are good at telling bullshit.

I'm not saying he's a liar. I think very highly of him. But I go into things expecting the very worst. I don't want things to be awkward with him now, because I like him as a person. And I don't know what he thinks of me and I don't want to know but I do all at the same time. I don't just randomly make out with people. I need to have emotion behind it. But at the same time, I'm not looking to get married. Things are just so confusing.

Sometimes I wish things would be spelled out for me so I didn't have to guess all the time. But that's the fun in life, is that you just can never be sure. You have to guess, you have to try and solve the mystery. I will admit that spontaneously making out with someone who you've had your eye on and then not knowing what will come next is a little exhilarating. College is nuts.