Everyone feels like jumping in front of a bus at one time or another, right?


I had this vision for myself. I would take six classes instead of the standard five. I would work part-time while being in two clubs and an improv group and still manage to have a social life. Then I'd get a good internship and be important and make a lot of money and change the world.

Since the beginning of the semester I have felt like drowning myself every time I wake up. Each day is a miserable continuation of the previous dreaded one. I hate living. I hate breathing. I hate everything. I hate all the people at my school. I hate all my professors, I hate my notebooks, I hate my homework, I hate the campus food, I hate the streets and the trees. And if it sounds like I'm a cranky moody little bitch who loathes existence it's because I am, so please spare me the comments telling me such. I know I could have kept this entry private but at least one person out there has felt this way before. Why am I like this? I have good days and I have bad ones, but lately it seems like every day is bad. I'm always angry, I'm always stressed out, I always feel as though I'm walking on a very thin rope and the slightest breeze will knock me off kilter. I hate my major. There, I said it. I hate my major and it's too late to change it because I only have a year of college left. It's not that I don't like design and photography and writing; I'm just not good at it. Everything I design looks like crap, or it's just not good enough. In photography our assignment was to go out and shoot pictures--they could be of anything, so I made a day trip out of it and walked around the river and took some of the bridge and trees and the sky. I also snapped some of my hamster. In class we had to submit 3 and I wanted to submit the one of my hamster and my professor told me I was not allowed to since pets were only of interest to their owner. Well no shit, that's why I took a picture of Captain. Fine, I thought. So I went to submit one I had taken of the bridge but my professor said "That's only of interest to students." F U C K Y O U.

Fuck you. This happened three days ago and I'm still fuming about it because I took 200 pictures and they're apparently not good enough and I'm so fucking pissed off. Nowhere in our assignment did it say these pictures had to be "interesting" and to me, nature is interesting. Animals are interesting. If I'm not allowed to take pictures of my surroundings then what the hell am I supposed to take pictures of? And if the professor is so adamant about not photographing pets then why didn't he just say so? Then today I went to print out a design project that is due tomorrow and lo and behold, it wasn't on my flash drive, so I had to skip class and spend two hours redoing it. If there ever was a time where I wanted to overdose on sleeping pills it was then. Maybe these things are not the biggest deal in the world but to me they are because I take my grades seriously and this is my major and theoretically what I want to do with my life and I just feel like I'm not good enough. My job makes it all the worse. I loathe my job but I won't quit because I only work a few hours a week and those hours are the most mind-numbing soulless hours of my life. When I began I was doing menial office work like answering the phone and mailing letters. I figured once I proved myself worthy they'd give me more challenging thought-inducing tasks. WRONG. It's been almost six months and I'm still laboring over pointless busywork. They have a database and it is my duty to update it. This means going through 600 files one by one and updating the people's payments as they contribute to our company. 600 files. One by one. At least once a month. If I'm lucky I'll get to update the website, but most of my time is spent printing out letters and stuffing them into envelopes. This is not why I am in college. I know that every job isn't fine and dandy, but I found this job in the database for internships relating to my major and thought I'd gain some experience out of it but I've turned out to be their slave. I'm so fed up with everything. I'm constantly running around from one computer lab to another, printing out copy after copy of designs. Or I'm out taking pictures, which I really love doing, only to be told they are not interesting enough. This semester has made me re-evaluate my life. Maybe I have chosen the wrong path. Maybe I am wasting my time and all of this is a sign that I should be elsewhere. I just don't know what to do.

I do not feel like anyone understands. Everyone is so happy, with their perfect little majors and their wonderful little internships and their merry little lives. No one else seems to be at their wit's end. No one else seems like they want to jump off a tall building. Everyone is just so cheery and happy and I hate them.

When I wake up each morning I can't wait for the day to be over. I can't wait to sleep. All I want to do is sleep and watch TV. I don't see how I can go on any longer feeling like I'm going to implode.