For the love of inflatable mattresses, could someone please inform Will Ferrell that his movies are horrendous? I hate Will Ferrell and I can't understand why this whale of a person manages to get millions of dollars to teeter around a studio like a blind kid on a scooter while the rest of us have to earn respectable livings. Just because he's hairy and has a monstrous nose does not make him worthy of our viewing. Yes, I am aware that he had a successful career on SNL and I'm sure he loves kittens and children and all that jazz but he needs to sit down and shut the hell up. Every year another "sports" movie comes out featuring this man. Said film is aimed at simple-minded frat boys with nothing to do on a rainy evening, given a kitschy title, then released on DVD two weeks later so aforementioned frat boys may add it to their extensive collection of masterpieces including Talladega Nights and Blades of Glory. Hmm, isn't it ironic how both movies feature sports in which a lot of obvious endorsement is needed by companies? Was it a coincidence that Ricky Bobby was wearing a Wonder Bread jacket? And excuse me, but Old School was NOT a funny movie. At all. I remember when that sham of a film was brought upon the human race. It was a cold, frosty day in hell and Satan was laughing and eating caviar, just like he always does whenever Will Ferrell comes out with a new movie. For some reason, every yogurt slinging, pimple popping, class skipping, cash register operating, Bud Light drinking moron in the Northern hemisphere thought it was OMG THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER LOL when Will's pale zaftig ass went trotting down the street naked, wife in tow. I'm sure that scene took a grand total of twenty-nine seconds to write and it was not funny at all, not even just a little bit, and yes I know he was naked and that his wife saw him even though he promised not to drink anymore and I know everyone thinks it was great comedic timing and that I'm a foul bitch with cynicism instead of lightheartedness but someone needs to tell people that the movies they swallow are the premature ejaculate of Coca-Cola and similar companies that aim to perpetuate their corporate choke hold on mankind.

And since I'm not going to see Semi-Pro I've decided to make gross generalizations about how bad it will be. First, Will Ferrell opens up a bag of DORITOS COOL RANCH CORN CHIPS. Then he smashes his MERCEDES SLK LUXURY VEHICLE into a WACHOVIA but finds salvation at the MICHELIN AUTOBODY SHOP where GOODYEAR TIRES are sold, saving his day. He then gets back into his car, finds a basketball endorsed by GATORADE and has the sudden urge to make it big, but not before visiting his friend who works at TACO BELL, who proceeds to give him a CHALUPA WITH SOUR CREAM.

The end.