The dishwasher in my new apartment is making an awful noise, making a noise like it belongs in the radiation wing of a hospital. My car has acquired a small dent while I was frantically trying to pull it into the garage last week when we were bludgeoned with an unexpected hail storm. It will cost $700 to fix it. For that amount of money, I'll just pretend I don't see it.

These are the sweet and prickly beginnings to my senior year of college. To be honest, I didn't think I would even be alive to see my twenty-first birthday. I don't know why; I just always assumed that day would never come. I've been through parties and finals and drinking tickets and boys and hangovers and microwaveable grits and this simple online journal was my haven all along. A few weeks ago I scanned through my old entries from when I was in high school, back when I didn't capitalize proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences. I was such a different person then. So stupid. So angry. So confused and self-righteous. I'm still some of those things but I believe I've toned it down a lot, I've learned that it's easier to get along with people than to prove my point all the time. And finally, FINALLY I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I don't want to write it down because if I do it might throw off the cosmic order and I'll probably just change my mind again anyway, but for now I have a definitive plan and it feels marvelous.

I very clearly remember the beginning of college. The night before I left, I cried. I cried in the airport and a little on the plane as well. I was absolutely petrified when I arrived. I wanted nothing more than to forget about higher education all together and run home to where I knew everything. It would have been easy to do that, but nothing worth doing is easy. Starting a new life at school has been the most difficult and rewarding task I have ever embarked on and there are so many people here who have made it great. And each Christmas and summer break, my old friends and I were back together like nothing had ever changed. I hope I never lose touch with them. I'll never meet anyone like them again.

I want this year to be special. I want no regrets; I want to soak up every moment and appreciate every blunder for what it is. The boyfriend and I are in an awkward place; we're not dating, but we decided that when we are with one another it'll be the same but when we're apart we can do as we please. It was my idea mostly. It sounds so selfish when I say it over and over again in my mind, but I'm in a selfish place right now and I told him this. At 21, it's all about me and my life. My graduation, my career, my money, my car, my friends, my this, my that. I've got to focus on myself and getting through the uncertainty of this time before I can look out for someone else. I think most people my age are this way and they need to be. When I'm older I would like to start a family but I'm not older and I don't want to start one yet. He's already got a steady job and a house here. He's been through it all, he's ready to settle down and succumb to ritual. I am not there yet. Someday I will be but I will not sell myself short. I am not going to live my life for other people and if that makes me a selfish bitch I guess it's a label I'll have to live with. I want to meet all kinds of people this year, maybe have a fling or two. When else can you have flings? At 40? Other things I want to do: continue martial arts, join an outdoor club, make new friends, do well on my GRE, fully research grad school, find a source of income, run a 5k faster than I've ever done before, graduate on time, do well in all my classes, and date someone in the military. How I love army boys.