It's a marvel to me that I can become so lost in emotion and idealization that I can lose sight of the rational, fighting spark plug that I really am.

Yesterday I felt amazing; I felt renewed and rejuvenated. Yet today I am feeling something different, something across the spectrum. Now I'm overwhelmed with doubt, disgust and confusion. I'm disappointed with the way I sat there and let him wrap his cloak of deception over me like a helpless infant. Like I'm too stupid to realize the clever little game he's playing with me. I only fell for it because I wanted to believe there was something there, that so soon out of my relationship there could be a comforting embrace to relish in. No. I'm wrong, I've been had, I've been made a fool and it hasn't yet been a week.

Why do men continue to rehash the same drivel to unsuspecting and good-intentioned women? Because it works. Because every woman is willing to believe she is someone special, she is different, she's somehow apart from all the rest. And men are eager to capitalize on that, and do they ever. I love how he tried to tell me that he looks for personality now, he's over with one night stands because he hates the way it feels when the deed is done. Puh-LEASE. Don't try and feed me that romantic comedy, sensitive and nurturing man bullshit. You want to get your dick wet just like every other frat boy, you just don't have the nerve to say it to the girl sitting right in front of you so you wrap it in this little fairy tale, hoping she'll be convinced of the fact that the real reason you want to sleep with her is because she's a wonderful person, not because you're horny. What does he want in me? What does he want out of this pseudo courtship we're engaged in? How can he feel like he can tell me anything when he doesn't even know me? He just wants me to think that he trusts me so that when he proposes sex I'll happily oblige to sleeping with someone who connects with me on so many levels. In reality I'm just another challenge to him, just another girl he'll forget about sooner or later until someone asks him to recall his sexual experiences. I can't believe I was so stupid as to think he could really be interested in me, that this reformed frat boy could have taken a liking to a short, curly haired closet nerd. Here he is, stringing me along, pretending he's so comfortable with me, telling me he had an amazing night and here I am lapping up every inch of it, wanting to believe that I'll actually get what I want. I'll never get what I want. I'll never find a man I truly desire. I'll always have to settle, I'll always have to keep searching, I'll always be second to someone else. How could I have thought any different? Movies and love songs aren't real life, they're just a respite from the heartache that comes with knowing that love is not real. As of now, I do not believe in love. There is so such thing as romantic love. You can love your children, you can love your friends, but you can never truly love a man and have him love you back. Marriage is just a sham, just one big fat lie fed to us from the time we're born so that women may be confined to the kitchen, making babies and fixing dinner.

I don't believe that I'll ever find the "one." I actually bought into the theory that someone, somewhere, could make me truly happy; someone could want me, stay with me, understand and need me, and the feeling would be mutual. What a load of crap. It's just about as ludicrous as magic and tarot cards. Humans lack fidelity by nature, it's in our genes to be fruitful to multiply and we're ignorant to think that the structure of society could stifle that innate urge. I'll never be anything more than one night stands and failed relationships. I'll never be happy, at least not with a guy. A guy is incapable of making me happy, because all they are concerned with is their own personal gratification, and the ones who are not are boring as a sack of potatoes. It's a lie, all of it, getting married and looking into the eyes of your soul mate, it's all a pretty picture and a lot of fancy words.