I believe that David Letterman got it right when he unabashedly told Lauren Conrad that her playmate Brody Jenner "would be living a tree" if it weren't for television. Now I'm a sucker for celebrity sleaze and perhaps the only thing more pointless than Lauren Conrad herself is devoting this entry to her, but I've got to do SOMETHING with myself while my laundry is in the dryer.

I don't quite understand the idea behind reality shows. I mean, the whole this-is-real-life gig is over, right? We've all pretty much figured out that reality television contains as much candidness and truth as Bill Clinton did when he told millions of people about his absence of sexual encounters with a certain intern. So why do people believe the sham Lauren Conrad has built around her spray-tanned self? First of all, her intelligence and a rock are congruent in every way. She's not funny, she's not talented, she's not particularly nice or generous. She isn't even that good looking. I guess MTV is trying to market her as the sweet young thing who took advantage of the plethora of opportunities handed to her. Has anyone seen her clothing line? It sucks. And not only does it suck, but it's way overpriced and I'm sure the only involvement she had in the production of it was to giggle and bat her eyelashes and peep over the shoulder of whatever overworked assistant pumped out after days of not sleeping.

All Lauren Conrad does is go shopping, go out to eat and talk about how much she loathes that horsey-looking girl Heidi, which is really what any 22-year-old does on a typical day, really. Women don't normally go to college to get an education and better themselves, nor do they study, do homework or take tests. Most women concern themselves with fashion and good-looking members of the opposite sex and engage in intellectually taxing activities such as representing an overpriced, adequate at best makeup line and draping tattered rags over human clothes hangers to be displayed at "fashion" show. Why is it that everyone and their stepmother thinks they'll be able to excel in fashion design, signing or acting? Just because you wear clothes doesn't make you trendy. Anyway, back to the bitch on hand. Lauren Conrad is a vapid, self-absorbed waste of skin. The sooner she gets wrinkles and saddlebags the better. I would like to see one thing "LC" contributes to society that does not involve applying mascara or having a crush on a boy. Wouldn't it be great if she turned out to be a huge, flaming lesbian? Or a MAN?!