I'm in awe as to how people deal with life.

How do they adapt to changes? To unforeseen circumstances? Graduation is on the horizon and my biggest fear, the one uncertainty that is crippling me and strangling me in my sleep is that after I graduate from college I will no longer have any friends. This trumps all questions of finding a job, getting married and being able to afford a house. I'm terrified that I will become a recluse of sorts, traveling only to work and back home again. I'm scared no one will ever call, no one will ever invite me out, no one will care that it's my birthday. Why am I so involved with my social standing? Isn't finding a job and paying the bills more important? Of course it is, I tell myself. But I'm young. I want to live my life. I don't want to curl up to a tube of cookie dough on Friday nights. I'm intrigued by change yet completely belittled by it. I can't see myself spending the rest of my life here yet I'm puzzled as to what my next move should be. At this point in my life I could do absolutely anything which is the equivalent of being able to do absolutely nothing.

Four years ago I was still in high school, wondering what college would be like. I can't believe this is almost over. It's flown by; it's been absolutely wonderful and absolutely miserable at times, too. It's apparent to me, simply by skimming through my old entries (I have been on here since 2003) that I am not the same person I used to be. I took advantage of this atmosphere and I regret nothing. I know this cannot last forever and I've always been pretty good at moving on with things, but I'm truly frightened. Frightened because there is no crutch anymore, no dorms, no classes, no predictability. When I can't predict what will happen, when I feel myself losing control of my fate, a heavy iron balls finds itself in my stomach, keeping me from a restful sleep and clunking around my innards with every step I take. This is not to say that I like each day to be the same, mundane program; I simply like to know what to expect. I like to plan, I like lists. When my plan gets tossed out the window, I get anxious until I can find some solid ground again. I have realized that life does not operate in my favor. Nothing rubs me the wrong way like someone telling me that I shouldn't worry. I have to worry. I am unable to let things go, to let the pieces fall where they may. I've been getting better at it, I've been avoiding stress more these days, but I'll always be an anxious wreck underneath, starving for a plan. I'll always be stopping to smell the roses while running to catch the bus.

Yesterday I spoke with someone who gets anxious a lot, who admitted to being insecure. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not the only one who feels like the walls are closing in sometimes, like I'm floating around this planet with no justification.