Alright. I know no one wants to hear someone complain about how miserable they are, but I'm disregarding that and spewing myself onto the Internet for all(probably more like two people) to see.

I'm rather sure of the fact that I've never been so reluctant to wake up in the morning at any other point in my life than right now. I'm fully aware that so many people have it so much worse than me--that my petty complaints are overshadowed by the substantial troubles of others. Yet just because I'm not in the most unfortunate situation out of all the undesirable situations out there does not make my feelings any less legitimate. Right now I'm so stressed--everyone gets stressed, and I'm no stranger to that overwhelming sensation--but this is unlike anything I've ever known. When I wake up each morning I regret getting out of bed. I loathe the short walk to the shower and moan silently about all that needs to be done. It's because I have piled too much on my plate without leaving any way to back out of my obligations and the only solution is to ride out the storm. On top of five demanding classes I'm working at least 20 hours a week. On my one day off I go to the station to learn how to produce on my own time so I never truly have a day to relax. My portfolio class is the biggest offender--it seems as though I'm doing work for that class every day. Every day I sit in front of the computer for hours, clicking through programs and drawing boxes and changing font colors. It doesn't sound like much and I don't know how else to explain it; it just feels as though I hardly have any time to breathe and enjoy my life. There just aren't enough hours in the day to complete everything that needs to be done.

Yesterday, after toiling in the computer lab for several hours, I drove home, flopped on my bed and cried for no real reason at all. I've been doing a lot of that lately and I'm beginning to question my sanity. Does anyone else get how I'm feeling? Does anyone else seriously consider putting a bullet through their brain? I know I'd never actually take my own life, but sometimes I feel as though I don't want to continue living any longer. I just can't seem to find that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I'm stumbling in the tunnel; I'm tripping over my own feet. And I feel so alone. Yes, I have a new boyfriend of sorts, but I don't trust him yet. I can't call him up and whine to him and I don't think I'll ever want to--that was the old boyfriend, that's in the past now. But I miss that. Whenever I was having a bad day I'd call him up and he'd come over and make me feel better. He'd bring some chocolate and make silly faces till I laughed. This is going to sound so petty, but I checked his myspace today and he changed his relationship status to "single." Isn't that so dumb that I went and looked and got a tiny bit upset when I actually saw it? It's not as though I was surprised, I was just a little taken aback when I saw that it was real. I almost called him today and begged him to come over and spend the night. I just want someone to wrap their arms around me. I just feel so isolated, so out of touch, like I'm floating in a universe by myself observing everyone else at play. I really like this new guy so much, sometimes I think I like him too much. It terrifies me to like someone because then I am vulnerable, then they can hurt me. If I really like someone then I just might do anything for him and that goes against all my selfish moral fibers. I could only comfortably be with someone if I knew it will last forever, otherwise I cannot allow myself to get hurt. So if whatever it is that we have gets any more serious then I just might have to break it off to avoid being hurt by him at a later time. I'm just so afraid that one day he'll come up to me and tell me it isn't working out and make a fool out of me when all the while I had been living in a delusional world where everything was perfect. I thought I would grow out of this childish behavior but it just seems to get worse with time. I'm happier by myself--I know myself, I don't have to guess and speculate. But I crave the touch of another human and that is where the danger lies. People always say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and to that I say bullshit, it's better to lock yourself up in your room and never to have loved than to have loved and had all your feelings thrown back in your face like scalding acid. I just want to tell him that I enjoy being with him, that I secretly hate leaving his place to work on a project and that I think I might love him, but these are all irrational feelings and I'll never own up to any of them. How do you know when you love someone? How do you distinguish it from lust? I feel so foolish, so childish. How could I love someone? Doesn't it take years to really fall in love? Or do you just know, does it just hit you? I don't want to love him, I just want to dispense of him when I've had enough and move on with my life. I can't help that I think about him all the time. I really think about him all day. I wonder what he's doing, when I'll see him, I hear his laugh in my head. I can't believe I'm saying this. I can't believe I let myself get like this. I can't believe I'm going to miss him terribly when he's gone this weekend. This has to stop. I can't live like this.