Yesterday my boyfriend and I were at the mall, eating dinner before we saw a movie. A noisy child passed us and in my normal cynical fashion, I remarked on how that kid needed to shut up and soon. My boyfriend said something about how when I had a kid, I would just think it's the cutest, which I responded to with my normal I'm-never-having-kids routine.

"That's a shame," he said. Hm.

I don't exactly think he wants me to be his baby mama, but the incident got me thinking. I used to associate dating with all these rules and regulations one must follow, like seven months is too soon to decide you love someone. But after I realized I loved him way before seven months I decided to hell with all these preconceived notions of how I thought a relationship should progress. I won't say that he's the one, but I'd be lying if I said the thought had not crossed my mind. I know I'm young. I know I have a lot of learning to do. I'll probably read this entry one day after we've broken up and burst into tears, but for right now I feel that I love him on a deeper level than anyone who has come before him. I don't know why, I just do, and now all the old adages of, "When you know, you know" seem to be ringing true for me. I don't question the way I feel about him like I did in my previous relationship. With my ex, I would always wonder whether I loved him. Probably, I ought to, it's been two years and I feel like logically should love him, so I guess I do. Now, in hindsight, I can say that I cared for him but never truly loved him.

With all that mushy stuff out of the way, I am beginning to see that just because you love someone does not mean that everything will magically work out. For me, I can see the topic of children coming into play for any serious relationship I have. If I find someone who is sure they don't want kids either, I'd be set, but what if I don't? Everyone tells me that I'll change my mind, that they said that and their mothers said that and now they've all got five kids, but something tells me I won't change my mind. I don't feel anything when I see a baby. I don't get excited if I think about being pregnant; in fact, I feel a sense of dread. My boyfriend's comments made me think that sometimes guys want kids more than women do, and maybe he should be with someone who would be willing to bear his offspring. I know I'm getting ahead of myself; we've only been together for eight months. But I'm thinking about this stuff. It's not that he wouldn't be a good dad; he would. And it's not like he's told me that he wants to marry me and make babies together; he has not. I'm just starting to wonder that I could lose a potentially wonderful thing because I know I don't want kids in the foreseeable future, and I never thought that would apply to me. I always kind of assumed that guys had to be reigned in and that it was the woman who whined and moaned about wanting to have a baby. Again, I thought there were all these rules. My boyfriend is older than me and although I don't think he's ready to succumb to Friday nights in, I do feel there's a part of him that's getting close to the point of wanting to settle down. I don't know if it's with me, but I certainly feel it. The funny thing is, I always told myself that I would never put a guy in front of my career or my wants and needs, yet now I'm afraid that if he wanted to build something with me I would say yes, even if it meant putting things I wanted to do on hold, and the fact that I would do just about anything for him frightens me.

I've learned a lot from this relationship. I always used to look down on women who moved with their boyfriends. How weak, I thought. What a big mistake. Now I see things a lot differently. If you love someone, if you really and truly love them, you make your life work around them. Being in love doesn't mean you sacrifice your personal happiness; you just incorporate the other person into the equation. I do worry however, that I will find someone I am completely compatible with but there will be one serious issue we disagree upon. For me, I feel it will be children. I'm getting ahead of myself, but I also feel that I am entering the next arena of my life. Throughout school my parents always told me to focus on studying and not worry about boys. They were right. Now that I'm done with school, my career and relationships are at the forefront. The most important things to me right now are staying healthy, earning enough money, being happy in my career and maintaining good relationships with friends and for the time being, my boyfriend. With my old boyfriend, I always used to wonder when it would end. With this relationship I never want it to stop. I want to be with him always. I still get excited when he walks into a room. I am an idiot.