I didn't mind Oprah so much when she blabbed about feeling good and thinking positive to millions of housewives on network television. But now she's made it personal.

Her shows ends in 2011, at which point she is moving to the Discovery network on cable, thereby eliminating the Discovery Health channel, which so happens to be my FAVORITE channel possibly ever. I can't begin to recall all the nights I've curled up to a good medical show and learned something new. Those days are over, because now Oprah is going to piss all over everything with her fluffy kittens and herbal remedies and solutions to everyone's problems. Listen Oprah, I don't want to see you, stuffed like a sausage in your pencil skirt, going on about gardening and interviewing that witch Suzanne Somers for the millionth time. I want to see conjoined twins. I want rare genetic disorders. I want gastric bypass surgery, dammit! Can't Oprah and her millions quit while they're ahead? I dont't care what book Oprah thinks is great. I don't care what movie she thought was touching. I don't wanna feel good, I don't wanna love myself, I don't wanna have the best life ever, I WANT DISCOVERY HEALTH. Some people actually care about other things besides pretty nail polish and makeovers. Some of us didn't watch Oprah for a reason, and now she's going to barge in on cable and poop out butterflies and rainbows for us all to choke on. Can't she stifle the minds of vapid housewives through her magazine? We've all seen that woman, you know, the one who hasn't had a date in years, eying the Ped-Egg in the store saying, "Oprah said this was great." Well those women should continue scarfing down cookie dough and crying over The Notebook and leave the rest of us who like real television alone.