Upon graduating college a few months ago I was adamant about living on my own and carving an existence for myself down here in the South. I knew my lifestyle wouldn't be lavish and I was okay with that. Now, though, I'm staring to realize something--this really sucks.

Perhaps it stems from my upbringing. My parents weren't wealthy, but we never wanted for anything, either. There was always food. We got new clothes when we needed them. My college tuition was paid for. I was used to a certain standard of living and now I exist below that standard, a fact which is hard to swallow. I don't like going into the grocery store and having to pass by an item because it's too expensive. I don't like that the only housing I can reasonably afford is a converted basement that's infested with roaches and that recently flooded a few weeks ago, leaving my living quarters uninhabitable. I don't like that I can't save money, because I make so little that after rent, food and gas my bank account looks exactly the same as it did the month before. I know this is life, I know these are the trials that most people face, but many times I feel like I just won't make it through to the other side. My instinct is to run away, to go back home where I can reside rent free, be with my old friends and not have to think about where I left the can of Raid for when a roach struts across the floor.

These lean days of my youth will hopefully serve as my rite of passage to a better life in time, but I'm aching to get there. This is a very humbling time for me. I realize how well my parents provided for me and how hard I'll have to work to maintain the standard they have set. I'm learning that I can't have what I want all the time---even if all I want is a unclogged drain in the shower. I'll just have to put up with it; I can't run from it like I want to. These same themes resurface in my relationships; when things get tricky with my boyfriend I contemplate leaving him just to get it done, just to save myself from getting hurt. Recently he told me that it really bothers him when I get into one of my moods where I'm stressed and frazzled because I become a different person, one who cannot be reasoned with. He said I shut him out. He is right. When I am stressed, the walls come up and I want to run. But running solves nothing; there will always be something else to flee from. I must learn to deal with my problems, not escape from them.