When I was a junior in high school, I decided that I was no longer going to be shy. The years leading up to this decision were rough; I had been relentlessly picked on in middle school to the point where I was too afraid to even raise my hand in class. But after awhile of barely exercising my vocal chords, I felt it was time for a change. No more sheepish me. I was going to join the drama club and I was going to love it.

I remember the very first play I was in. I played a housewife. My costume was a sleeveless dress, and I had never sweat so much in my life. My nerves consumed me, and before I took the stage I feared I'd faint. But I didn't, and in time I became less shy. College was a turning point for me. I was forced to be social because I was 700 miles away from home. It was very difficult, but in time it became more natural to initiate conversations. A couple years later, I was accepted into an improvisational comedy group. Yes, I stood on stage with seven others, took suggestions from the audience and created scenes from those suggestions. And yes, I'm still very shy.

Most of it comes from the acute paranoia I have in social situations. I'm always afraid that I'm bothering people. I fear that if I strike up a conversation, the other person may become annoyed and thus would find me irritating. I can't just go up to people and tell a joke or a funny story. I need to be approached. I'm awful at planning outings, because I assume that people don't want to hang out with me. If they invite me, everything is golden; but if not, it must be because they don't want to be around me. I'm always afraid that people find me unfunny or obnoxious, or maybe they think I smell or have stupid hair. I don't know why I get like this. I believe I have a decent personality, but I don't come by friends easily. I can't work a room. I could never be a politician or movie star. Some people have lots and lots of friends; I have a few close ones.

As time goes on it gets a little easier for me to interact with people, but I still seem to carry these crippling fears of refection in the back of my head. I wish I could be fun and carefree. I wish I could make friends wherever I go. Sometimes I feel like an antisocial freak who sits on Facebook all day peering at other people's lives which seem way more interesting and extravagant than my own ho-hum existence. Here I am, pecking away at this diary when I'm sure tons of people are out with their millions of friends, partying and laughing and making memories. Or maybe it's all just an illusion. Maybe they're sitting at home too, listening to the rain and reading magazines, clicking through Facebook profiles and feeling envious.