Okay so living here is an experience unto itself.

Comedians joke that Miami is the holding pattern to heaven.

At last Fall comes and a distinct new creature emerges, it is call a "Snow Bird".
This lovely newcomer comes with several different accents. It comes in all sizes. Hair colors and some actually have passports.

The fun has begun for our out of state visitors.
The diners are filled with lil wrinkled people, as they wait for the infamous 2 for 1 dinner specials.
This begins at 4 o'clock in the afternoon and promptly ends by 6pm.
Only the daring octogenarians actually venture out past 6pm. Usually in packs of 4 or 6. They bitch about waiting in long lines,the air conditioning, the prices..oy vey.

The grocery stores have huddled masses of befuddled seniors
tackling isles like the invasion of the Hun's. Shopping carts are now weapons. These little crumudgeons actually will run over your feet, bump into your children, knock you in the ass with a shopping cart just to make their way up or down and aisle. Plus they have the cojones to mack a grill at you and say "WHAT?"

What enthralls me the most is why are they rushing everyone ? Where are they going? Clubbing? Or rolling a fatty and mellowing at the crib next door with their 70 year old neighbors.


One of my favorite old folk's practices is returning things to the grocery store. Now they will open a lil plastic bag and pull out brown lettuce, they look at the clerk with a straight face and say I bought this a couple of days ago it went bad can I return it? Half eaten chicken ,it was dry. Half a box of cookies, they weren't very good. One time the clerk said I can't return this it's not from our store. The old one said "So what, just give me my money back anyways.
This incident led to managers, swearing,crying and promises of never shopping there again. They can only hope.

How about the old couple at Sears's that returned ..are you ready.. a USED toilet seat..this bad boy wasn't gently used either. I stood there with my mouth open, in shock. Yo they even had the receipt, from 3 yrs ago. The clerk said they had to return things within 90 days of purchase. They said,"You have a satisfaction guarantee on all your goods, well we aren't satisfied because it's not comfortable anymore." Then they wonder why they are wearing that toilet seat like a life jacket and the clerk is on her way to jail.


Old people scare me. They have mastered the art of staring like a C.I.A. agent in an interrogation. The act like they don't hear you when you try to tell them they are stepping on your foot, cutting you off, or trying to tell them that you were next in line.
These old ones will dare you to say something, then comes the pity party,"Your younger, you can wait. "Ya I'll be waiting by your car so I can shove my foot up your depleted,bony ass. Or just plain ignore you. I wanna snatch them by the Depends and give them an ATOMIC WEDGIE.

Once in a while a check-out clerk will ignore them and or tell them they have to wait.I love,love,love the look of actual shock on their faces, it's a Kodak moment..Priceless.

When I moved here 25 yrs ago I was shopping and was sitting in a chair outside the dressing rooms while my friend was trying on clothes. This loud boisterous woman comes in with her daughter, her daughter enters one of the dressing rooms. The older woman looks around and realizes that all the chairs were taken. Then she looks directly at me (holy shit here we go) beelines to me, grabs my arm ,YANKS me out of my chair, whilst telling me to get up. I was shocked and amazed ,like something had just bit my ass. Her daughter is yelling from inside the cubicle for her to stop her nonsense. She comes out and scolds her mother who is sitting in my chair now. Apologizes profusely to me and drags the queen of NYC out the door..who is still saying, "what did I do?" "Huh?" "She's younger she could stand".
I know this is a woman who will be on the 6 o'clock news because she's missing, her husband will be the one on camera smiling ...LOL.

Last but not least Senior Citizens their is such a thing as proper beach attire for all.

Just because they let you out of Quebec,Canada for 3 months does not mean you can come to Florida to annoy us.

1- When your wrinkles have wrinkles and your ass needs to be ironed, do not, I repeat do not (please) wear any kind of brazilian bathing suit. Your pubic hair may have fallen out but so has your uterus and your scrotum. Please secure all body parts before going to the beach.
By the by, thongs will disappear in there and medical aid will be needed. I'm just saying !!

2- SPEEDO, BANANA HAMMOCK, SAUSAGE SLING,etc.. This article of swimwear is Never, Never okay unless you are between the ages of 1yr to 7yrs.old or you are Michael Phelps at the Olympics or some hairy European on the French Rivera.
Please Old dudes, no matter how tanned you want to be no one (except your old lady) wants to see any of that. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW, You have man boobs, no butt, wrinkles, and hair on your lily white ass.
Oh yeah and your depends is showing too.

3-Please remember when the different color flags are flying at the beach they mean rip currents, jelly fish, rough waves, etc.
This does not mean jump into the Atlantic like your friggin Mark Spitz and try to swim to England. Stay the fuck outta the water. Pan to local evening news..A 60 something year old man was found floating near shore today @ Ft.Lauderdale Beach. It undetermined what happened. His wife said he was an accomplished swimmer. sheesh..Not against 30 mph headwinds and a vigorous rip current which will drag your ass out to open sea..quickly.
Just stay on shore in your red,white and blue speedo and impress the old blue haired chickies with your faded tattoos and fabulous tan.

4- If you can't see over the steering wheel you can't drive the car. Nothing is scarier than passing a car with no driver. Then you realize there is a driver who is either a 10 yr old child or a 90 yr.old person. Neither is capable of seeing over the steering wheel or properly using the pedals. Cadillacs and Lincolns should never be sold to shrinking aged people. 2000 lbs. of metal being driven by someone with reactions slower than a stoner at a Godsmack concert.


Okay, I'm done for the moment, I think...Hey does anyone know where I parked my car?