I am no longer a child. I haven't been for ages.

Yet when the subject of my upbringing arises I see spots.

It's not that I need some kind of affirmation, I don't.

I get so tired of the bullshit from people who don't have a

clue. They merely peered in from the window, they didn't

participate in the daily mind bending nonsense.


This is the line that makes me want to explode.

"Your Mom was a good woman, she did the BEST she could".

Really? Really? Did you have 3 locks on the inside of your

bedroom door? Did you have to sit out in -15*

WEATHER ON THE PORCH BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER'S BOYFRIEND WAS IN

YOUR HOUSE, DRUNK AGAIN AND ACTING LIKE A PERVERT?

Please spare me. I have been fighting this internal

argument for years. I have had therapy a few times in my

adult life. I needed a sounding board for my hurt.

Therapist: Do you feel shame?

Me: NO, anger

Therapist: why?

Me: Because were are adults and they knew better? I was a

little girl.

Therapist: Oh I see, actually that's very healthy, that you

are angry and that you know it wasn't your fault

Me: So having anger towards my Mother isn't disgraceful?

Therapist: No it isn't, she did the damage, not you. It is

actually very cathartic .


My life would be a B movie or novel and most wouldn't

believe it's true. I know there were times when we laughed

in our house and there had to be good times right?

Yet the daily life in our house was so unnerving and chaotic

that your really couldn't relax.

I still don't sleep through the night. Every time I'd tell

her something happened, she'd say stay away from him !!

Okay ,got it. I was 12.

Therapist says I have Post Traumatic Stress. It's the

brains way of protecting itself and your body.

You understand the people who exact their horrors on others

are chickens, really they are, because once confronted

they'll back down in a minute, I know , I did it.



Years later after me Mum was gone I was outside the family

home doing yard work. The guy I was dating was helping me.

My OC was a toddler and she was running around. A car pulls

to the curb. There he is...satan. I stand there with my

mouth agape. He's all smiles , I'm thinking holy shit,

here we go. He says I brought some presents for the baby.

My neck starts to tighten, my hands are sweating.

I say no thanks she doesn't need anything from you. Now

please leave and don't come back. He starts to insist, I

start to fume. He tries to call her over to his car. My

boyfriend scoops her up and puts her inside.

I bend down into his car window and tell him that if he ever

tries to come near my daughter I will make make him bleed.

That he will never do to my baby what he was allowed to do

to me. His face went ashen white. He's intently looking at

me.I've seen this before and he's trying to figure out

how he can wiggle out from under this.I know him, I lived

with him.

I SURVIVED HIM !!!


His blue eyes start to darken this is not good, yet I'm not

afraid, I will never be his victim again.

He says"I have no idea what you are talking about". "I never

did anything to you". Well I say maybe it's because you

were a drunken sot all the time. Maybe it's because you are

the spawn of satan. But old man you did it and you KNOW you

did, who do you think you're fooling?

He is pissed, beyond words. He can't believe that I am

saying these truths to him. I EXPOSED him. He couldn't hide

anymore, in the dark, the light had shineth upon him.

Yet he wouldn't move, drive away.

In my head I'm telling myself to give him back the

burden and tell him it's all on him. He is the one who

should be ashamed and that I will NOT carry this pain

anymore.

Slowly the words form and I am telling him just that. That I am giving all the pain back to him, that he did do it and I'm not going to carry his sin with me anymore. Whether he admits it or not. The burden is his to carry around his neck like a heavy chain.

The shock on his face was priceless.

I realize that we had been staring at each other

wordlessly. His gaze shifted past me and I turn to see my

boyfriend starting down the porch steps, he is not happy.

I had told him all about this person and his effect on my

life.I realize he has a shotgun in his hand, he hunts and

ISN"T a person with a temper. He walks over to the car

window and bends down and with a completely calm tone tells

satan he is not welcome at this house. That he knows all

about his past and that if he's smart he will never come

here again. Plus if he ever comes close to my child or me

well he won't be happy. He tells him not to even breathe

the air around our heads. The whole time satan is watching

the shotgun and nodding. Boyfriend says to leave and don't

look back.ever. Victory !!

I gave him back the burden. Chains were broken.

free is how I felt.

The memories are still there, I am able to process them

now.


My mother was a physically strong woman, who made bad

choices. Maybe we did laugh yet the pain was stronger. It

overshadowed the life we led. Emotionally me Mum was a

needy mess. She didn't drink or smoke. She was a good cook.

She would help her neighbors and friends at a moments

notice. Only not her kids. Not the children she bore. satan

was something she wouldn't lose. I'll never know why. She

died a few weeks before her 54th birthday. We never spoke

about it at all. Not the right time, only time ran out. I

am left with a void that will not be filled and questions

without answers.


So I have been the classic over protective Mom. It drove my

kids nuts. When they became adults I explained why. I left

out details and gave them the outline. They got it.

Oldest child sends me flowers every year on HER birthday.

She wants me to know how much she appreciates how much

I've done for her. She knows the sacrifices I made and she

loves me for it. Wow, amazing isn't it?


Don't turn a blind eye to any form of abuse, talk ,tell.

Offer help, don't JUDGE. You'll never get where they are

coming from...just help them. Be a safe haven for them.