I haven't been on here in so long, partly due to work and partly to not having any ambition.
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It's been a long Fall,we've been weighed down with some immense stuff.
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In October my brother inlaw at the age of 49 died from the deadly influenza, you can imagine the shock and disbelief for my sister and niece. Our family still can't believe it
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On Halloween a friend of ours lost his 15 year old daughter to childhood bone cancer.
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Then my sister inlaw fell ill and almost died from an intestinal blockage..she, TYJ is on the mend

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I had for awhile read and kept up with JS..a little place where I could escape with my thoughts. I didn't know what to expect here in this world of blogging. I'm grateful for the reconnection with Netta and Donna. Really good people.
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Then I fell off the grid.
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Life has been consuming my mind and often I'm too emotionally drained to do anything let alone write it down.
Depression has come and go and I haven't a clue what to do.
So I thought I'd write it down in hopes it would stop the nagging ..ocd thinking I can't shake. I've realized that I don't know who reads these entries, aside from Netta and Donna.
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I'm in my 50's a feat I truly am grateful for. I led a tumultuous life for so long and I, looking back am in awe of my unbridled stupidity.Me myself in disbelief of my past. I had my eyes open,no regrets. Still some memories make me catch my breath and shudder.
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It has been explained of the childhood that has haunted me. Most of the players are truly just ghosts on a blank screen. No explanations ,no apologizes, they just left this earth and took all the answers with them.
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This ambiguity has molded me to not expect much from people. Then someone will surprise me with doing more or being a better person than I expected. A lovely gift indeed.I watch those who struggle to do their best all the while getting a proverbial ass kicking from the stronger of the pack. Yet the stronger never seem to realize how hard they fall, when indeed they do.
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I've been spending more time with my kids and grand kids.
Readjusting my time and effort beyond my own needs.
I have been a Mommy since I was 17 and a half. A wife too, yet my teenage marriage was merely a blip on the radar screen of life. I walked away with my beautiful daughter and my freedom, both priceless. Again no regrets just knowledge. My daughter and I grew up together, taught each other through each others eyes.
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I'm coming into my own I feel. Finally embracing my place,my wrinkles and all. My body is softer and so is my heart. I have realized too that my anger subsides more quickly and with less residual effects. I can pretty much walk away. Feeling no need to transgress.
My ability to flip the switch on people isn't as important.
She lies idle submerged under the skin. Once in awhile I feel her flicker when my buttons are pushed too far. I glance at the perpetrator thinking they have no clue to who they are enticing. She quivers under my skin aching to unleash anger they'll never forget.Then I pull myself back and choose to turn my back, once again reminding myself there is no need to be her.
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Young me versus older me. Calmer me. Kindness I've learned is not weakness.