Well, in the past couple of days I've had conversations with a twentysomething person having parent issues, and the (unrelated) parent of a twentysomething, having kid issues.

Without saying anything that would violate the privacy of either conversation, let me just say that the late 20s seem to be another of those watershed times in a person's life. At the end of their twenties, people seem to be ready to define themselves as adults in heretofore new and different ways; the first blush of actually being a grownup seems to have worn off, and now it's time to settle into being who you're going to be.

For kids, it seems to be a time of questioning parents' values again. Immediately upon leaving home, I suppose one decides things that are really matters of taste, in some way: Where will I live? How will I furnish my living space? How will I conduct myself, order my days? The late twenties seem to be a time of deeper examination: What values do I hold that I now want to reject? What patterns are determining me, that I now want to escape? How am I trapped (and enriched) by the childhood I had?

I'm trying to remember what that felt like. I don't remember much about it. I do know that I had a terrible time trying to decide what to concentrate on in grad school, because I was so intent on pleasing my professors that I couldn't determine my own tastes; I liked whatever the people I liked, liked. And -- of all things -- I remember agonies about my wardrobe, and how I dressed; I had no idea how to express myself through clothes. I had no idea who I wanted to be, in a certain sense. (I don't think I had many lingering issues with my mother by then. There were many painful, frustrating moments, to be sure - but my relationship with my mother was so egregiously, blatantly awful that I certainly knew with crystal clarity what the issues were by then . . . I think I knew them by the time I was fourteen, or something. At any rate, there was no painful new discovery.)

So now I'm wondering what it's going to be like to be on the "parent" side of that interaction. I'm beginning to realize that my children might very well become people I don't like, in some ways. As adults, they may be irritating to me, or we may have fairly large departures in values. Of course I don't want this to happen - no parent does. But really, it's pretty functionally out of my control, and the task will be to accept my kids as people with whom I have some things in common, and other things not. And as with any other adult relationship, the trick is to focus on the parts you do have in common.

And hope, hope, hope that these people turn out to be people I'd choose for friends. I don't know how that happens. I've seen a few families where it has happened, and it seems like a minor miracle to me. The other thing I've begun to realize is that parent-child relationships often look one way to the parent, and a very different way to the child. Parents may think the relationship is close, and kids might be of a quite different opinion. So the situations where everyone is on the same page about the relationship, and everyone's happy with it, seem rare and beautiful indeed.

Ah, well. I'm just thinking through the "letting go" phase of having kids, I guess . . . ours are about at the age where we'll have to do that. And like everyone else with older teenagers, I'm thinking that they're wonderful people who have just about gotten really good . . . and now they're going to leave . . . Yet another thing that nobody realizes before they have kids, no matter how many times people tell you . . .

Well. It's an absolutely flawless day out there - heading for the mid-70s and so little humidity that it feels like there's no air. I've got a meeting in Lansing today - I've signed up to be on the Pedal Across Lower Michigan organizing committee, and the Ann Arbor contingent is going to vanpool up. I'm sorry that I'm going to miss being outside today, but I'm consoling myself with thinking about going to the MSU pool tomorrow evening . . .