Motherfuckers are stealing my inventions.
Anyone who knows me knows I can't smoke a whole cigarette. I can only smoke half before I get nauseous. So I say, "they should make short little half-cigarettes." And they do. But I don't get credit for it. Marlboro is making cute little mini-cigarettes. And, what's more, they don't even make them in Reds. They have them in Mild and god-awful Menthol, but not Reds. Ah... delicious, full-flavored Reds. If you Philip-Morris assholes don't start listening to me, I'm switching to Camels. No, just kidding; I hate Camels even more than I hate you.
If you have a problem with me smoking, fuck off. I quote Bill Hicks: "I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth."
Well, too late to claim this idea as my own, I guess. But I have more. And I'm copyrighting this shit, so don't try to steal these.
First of all, I've invented some surgeries. One straightens out your spine using magnets, and one makes you taller using Nerf. I just wanna get these down.
My pride and joy, my baby, is the Weed Gin. It's like the cotton gin, but for weed. It removes the stems and seeds, so I don't have to. I don't really know how it's going to work or, for that matter, how the cotton gin works. I think it involved combs. Maybe tonight I will have a seance and call up the long-dead ghost of Eli Whitney and ask him. Or I could just look it up on Google. Will do.