Part 1: On the Subject of Pool Urination

I haven't written something like this in a long time, but I figured that I was due.

Anya and I recently went to a pool party in the wonderful, corporated city of Plano, Texas. If Plano were to be nuked by North Korea, I don't know how our world would function without it's Dr. Pepper and Frito Lays. The potheads of the world would certainly wonder the land in a post-apocalyptic haze of dry mouth and unsalted fingers.

It had been ages since I had the opportunity to go to a large public pool. Well, I always have the opportunity to go to a public pool, but it had been a while since I had the nerve to actually turn off my television and drive to the neighborhood civic pool. That is a task for anyone, I'm no different.

I had no idea that Plano would have such a nice pool, but it makes sense since Plano also happens to be a city of Atkins diet injected doctors, overpriced gasoline injected Lexus SUV's, and siliconed injected breasts. Plano does indeed have one of the nicest pools that I've seen, maybe ever. The pool itself was quite large, there was a zippy go fast twisty-turn waterslide, and a large deep end that reached down to the Davey Jones Locker.

I think maybe one reason why I have not gone to a civic pool in quite a while is that public pools tend to have an alternate modus operandi of being a place of public urination. Peeing in water is as old as water itself. Since men and women started taking walks into water that reached above their waist, they have been relieving the waste from their waists in inviting water. I'm sure that when the first Christians were getting baptised in open bodies of water, they were also letting the contents of their bladder loose on the lucky people waiting down stream.

Before turning the chlorinated water into your own private porta potty, someone will usually have a few seconds of pause, where a lifetime's worth of questioning takes place. "Will anyone notice," you ask yourself? "What if the Urban Legend about the urine activated purple dye is true and I'm laughed out of this pool by a pointing, just as guilty group of kids and adults?" I do not recommend urination in public pools. I would like to think that the water I'm swimming in is nothing but chlorine and two parts Hydrogen, one part Oxygen. But if you choose to urinate in a pool, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Swim as far away as you can from any living soul. But don't swim TOO far away. If you swim too far away, you run the risk of having someone ask you what you are doing. If someone asks you what you're doing, and you're peeing in the pool, you're face and voice pitch will give your dirty secret away. Talking normally while doing something as sinister as yellowing the water is impossible. So if someone asks you what you're doing, pretend you don't hear.

2. Probably the golden rule of pool urination is to discover a way of urinating while continuing movement. There are two things in life that are incredibly difficult to do. The first being holding in bodily gas while walking. You have two choices, you can either keep walking and let it rip, hoping that if you walk away fast enough, someone else gets the blame. Or you can pause in your tracks and do one of the following; scratch your chin, check your cell phone, wipe the sweat from your brow, or any number of "looking busy" activities. If walking with a group, you HAVE to just let it rip and keep walking. If you stop, you've given yourself away. "Why'd you stop?...are you???...Oh Jesus that's gross."

The other thing impossible to do is to swim and urinate at the same time. Urination is a stand still type of thing. It's impossible for most people to do even the simplest of tasks such as treading water when urinating in a pool. That's why there are so many pool drowings every year. Kids know how to swim. It's when they sink to the bottom after expelling a few hours worth of Sunkist and Dr. Pepper that do they intake water.

3. If you are completely suave, you can urinate in the pool and not have anyone expect a thing. Wait til a conversation or a game of Marco Polo starts up. Right as everyone reaches a fevered pitch of excitement, sneak away and do your business. If you are ingenious, you'll incorporate your urination into your game of Marco Polo.

Those are your steps of Stealth Urination. Follow those lessons well no matter what age you are, as it is common knowledge that we both start life and end life with the weakest of bladder control and functioning.