Since the 230th Marine Corps Birthday is this coming up this Thursday, I guess I should not be surprised that the Marines have invaded the popular media outlets that entertain us all.

Last Friday, Anya, Rochelle, and I went to the Alamo Drafthouse and caught the new Sam Mendes flick, "Jarhead." The movie was great, and as far as I can remember, 90% accurate to both the book and the Marine Corps experience. I'll write a full-on review soon, but in the meantime, just know that I really liked the movie.

Last night, I stumbled upon a show called "Parris Island" on "the Military Channel." First off, who in the hell would have thought that there'd be such a thing as "the Military Channel?" You know that old saying that you can tell who's watching a particular program based off the advertisements? Well, as evidenced by the hair loss ads and the "Life Alert Emergency Response" ads, middle- to senior-aged people love them some military documentaries.

"The Parris Island" shows are basically three, one-hour documentaries about each of the different three phases of Marine Corps Boot Camp. It was really hard to watch those shows. Some people say this flippantly, but I genuinely feel as though I was a completely different person when I went through Boot Camp and the first few years of Marine Corps life, and watching this show re-emphasized that belief for me.

Watching people go through the same exact things that I went through, memories that I didn't even realize I had came rushing back to me. As I watched that show, I remembered exactly what it was like when a drill instructor would get into my face and berate me. I remembered exactly what it felt like when I went into the "gas chamber" for NBC (nuclear, biological, chemical) training. I remembered what it felt like to lie down in my rack at night, and wonder what the hell I was doing in Marine Corps boot camp. I remembered exactly what it felt like when I wanted nothing more than to feel comfortable, and to be normal again, but had to keep pushing forward towards graduation, and the four year contract that waited beyond that date.

I'm not bitter about my Marine Corps experience. But for a while there, it really did feel like I was in a cult or something. I don't think some people realize just how cult-like the Marine Corps is. Everything from the way you eat to the way you dress is dictated to you from someone higher than yourself. There's always this abstract thing known as "Marine" and "Marine Corps" that hovers above you ever second of your life. And I think, the closer you get to those abstractions, the more you venture from the person that you once were. For some, this is exactly what they want. They want to become this ideal. For me, it took me about two and a half years before I realized that I just wanted to be myself again.

Everyone has their limits. I know good and well, that for some people, acting “the Marine” is not much more than a front. Make no mistake, the Marine Corps changes everyone it comes across. Some people fully become the ideal. But for a lot of people, I think myself included; the Marine Corps never fully changed me the way it would have liked. Even when I felt I was a full-on Marine, there was always this side of me that wondered what in the hell I was doing there. There was always this feeling that I didn’t belong. And truthfully, I didn’t always feel as if I did belong. And if I take it a step further than that, there was always a big part of me that felt as if I didn’t *want* to belong.

In some ways, I wanted to get out of the Marine Corps the second I joined it. From the moment the drill instructors picked us up at the airport, I think I secretly wished that I was out of the Marine Corps. I didn’t realize this until just now, but my letters home from boot camp showed as much. Most of the letters I wrote and sent out were of the “everything’s fine, the Marine Corps’ great” variety. But I also sent out a lot of “what in the hell am I doing here?” letters. Most of my family got the former, while the latter were sent mostly to Luke, and sometimes my dad.

The other night, I was thinking about the Marines and I started to get kind of emotional. I really had a great time in the Marines. Even the times when I really felt at odds about the direction the Marine Corps was taking my life, there were still a lot of great moments for me during those 4 years. For all of its bitter moments, I still refer to the Marine Corps as one of the best experiences of my life. But those great experiences had more to do with the friends that I made, and the places that I traveled, and less to do with the concept of "the Marine Corps."

As I said earlier, everyone has their breaking point. While others fully bought into the Marine Corpse experience, the front I had put up began to wear off around the halfway point of my Marine Corps contract. I just couldn’t really do it anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore that I was someone that I wasn’t. Or at least, I could no longer fully pretend that I wanted to be something that I neither was, nor wanted to be.