I've always sucked at keeping journals. I tend to only write when something big happens. The thought of talking about all the minutia that make up my daily life is just not that interesting to me. So, what's going on right now? Just listening to music that makes me feel wistful and, I don't know...emotional. Good emotions, bad emotions...just so I'm feeling something other than this dread I'm feeling regarding work. I don't know what's going on with Hosting.com/ALGX right now, but I've managed to dodge the "executioner's blade" for many months now. Not feeling so safe anymore. I never thought I'd make it this far with this company, so I'm grateful for that. But, truth be told, all the perks of working from home and having a very flexible schedule (usually) just isn't as enjoyable when the job is starting to suck. I don't know what's going on from day to day, and I just don't get the "joy" that I used to get when we were Virtualis. I felt like I was growing, and going somewhere. Now I'm just going through the motions. It's very unsatisfying. So why don't I quit? What, are you nuts? Did I mention that I get to work from home?!?! I find myself falling into old patterns; the way I was toward the end of my college career when I just wasn't into it anymore. I can't seem to summon the motivation for...anything. I wish I was harder inside. When one part of my life isn't looking so good, it's poison just seeps into all other aspects of my life. I hate being "sensitive". I hate worrying about EVERYTHING. I feel very dissatisfied. I find real life to be, I dunno, crunchy instead of smooth. Nah, I'm not really depressed, just kinda blah. I'd rather read, watch movies, TV, listen to "my" music, sleep...anything that keeps me from having to deal with the world. This isn't a new feeling. I've been feeling like this since December. All the things I've been excited about about have got this weird haze. No, I'm still hugely excited about getting married. Planning the wedding is still in full swing, but sometimes I just want to go get it done just so it's done. I'm looking forward to the marriage more than the wedding. Well, I'd be lying if I wasn't looking forward to the wedding. Me not excited about the biggest party of my life??? Feh. I just want that part of my life to be in full swing. No worries, time flies so fast. Sometimes I'm afraid to blink.