my mother is here. at my house. again. again. again. again.

she's an every weekend fixture these days. and lots of days during the week.

ya know how there's that difference between liking a person and loving them? well, i love her cuz she's my mom, but i don't like her a whole lot.

i guess she did the best she could as a mom, and as a person. she has never been a happy person and i know it affected everyone's lives in our house. she would scream and cuss and rant and throw things and generally made all of us not want to be there. i've said before, she taught me a lot about how i didn't want to raise my kids.

i know how she was raised. her father was a mean mean man. i was scared to death of him growing up. her mother was a saint - truly a saint on this earth if ever there was one. she's the one i miss so much and wish i had spent so much more time with when she was alive. oh the stories i could tell! she was sweet, funny, hysterical, affectionate - one of the best people i have ever known. and how she put up with him all those years i will never understand.

mother is sick and i worry about her. she would normally be in canada right now with her boyfriend. they live there in the summer and in florida in the winter. but she's staying with a friend of hers here in town cuz she's had to go back and forth to cleveland clinic in ohio for some tests and treatments. she's doing really well - it's not life threatening or anything like that, but she could be sick for up to 4 years with the condition that she has, and it may reoccur at times during her life.

the friend that she's staying with is a bitch, pure and simple. she complains about everyone and everything - finds fault with everything from the eskimo diet to the price of gas. seriously, whether it affects her or not, she gripes about it. thinks all people are stupid. and she is loud......and she cusses like a sailor. i'm not exaggerating. she's awful. prejudiced, obnoxious, hateful, opinionated. neither of my kids want to be around her and my husband - well, let's not go there!

so this rubs off on my mom, and the whole time she's here she complains too. (i know, i'm complaining too. it's the old fecal-matter-rolling-downhill-theory.) but this is how it goes. and she is forever calling me to come and get her - she can't stand it at her friend's house any longer. she is here every minute of the day on weekends, and next week i am driving her to our home town for a visit before she finally goes to canada at the end of the month. 3 hours, stuck in the car listening to her. i'm imagining the news flash now - 'occupant tossed from the on I65 south - film at 11'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even my daughter said "mammaw complains all the time". sad. so sad.

when i had my hysterectomy a couple years ago she came over to stay with me since dave and i weren't married yet. he ended up coming over to stay because she was intolerable. screaming, yelling, cussing, slamming cabinet doors - we can't do anything to please her. she always tries to force her opinions on me - even takes it as a personal offense if i won't buy and cook the kinds of foods she thinks i should. "you should try this - it's really good". that's what she said to me at the grocery today and got mad when i said "different strokes, ya know?" a lady at the store just looked at me with sympathy in her eyes.

when she's in florida, where my sister lives, my poor sister is constantly calling me to vent. i'm fortunate - mom lives down there 6 months out of the year. i only get it a few months in the spring and summer. i guess i should count my blessings, eh?

i continue to dream that we'll have one of those nice mother-daughter relationships like so many people i know, where i actually want to spend time with her. i thought after the hysterectomy we'd lay on the bed and talk and laugh and finally have some good times together. not so. no one likes her - not even my kids. they love her, but everyone hates being around her.

i'm awful - i know. i just can't stand all the negativity, and i can't stand the fact that my kids are exposed to it. i may be too lenient my kids a lot of the time, but i vowed that when i had kids we wouldn't have that kind of life.

we have had a few good times in the past, it usually involved too much wine, which neither of us can drink now, so i guess i'll keep hoping. and continue to be the good daughter. i just keep hoping....