i have zero motivation right now. i'm in some physical pain, and i need the drugs to be able to function, but i think my funtionality is being diminished by the drugs!! a cycle, ya know??

i dont' want to cook, or clean, or work - i feel guilty about it too, so i know i should be doing something. but i'm so overwhelmed by it all i don't know where to start. i guess i should start small and maybe i'll like the results and then do more...

i should be in bed resting and yet i'm here.....

my mom and daguhter and my brother and i went to glasgow, ky yesterday. our home town. we saw lots of family, even one of my favorite cousins i hadn't seen in 17 years!!! it's so sad that we're all grown and scattered everywhere. they are the sweetest people, all huggy and lovey and affectionate. you really know that they love you!!!! we had a good time. everyone was talking at the same time and cutting up and laughing. it's like we all have to cram in as much as we can in a short time cuz we don't know when or even if we'll see each other again. we lost 5 people in mom's family a few years ago in a 10 month span, and lost a 28 year old cousin last december. it really makes you stop and think.

we ran into hellacious storms on the way back - torrential rain, hail, strong winds. it was scary. i had a bad wreck some years ago in the rain and it still scares me to drive in that stuff. however, my dear husband locked himself out of the house today. he got up before nine and took the dog out and sat on the patio until 6 tonight when i got home!!! he didn't have a drink of water, a bite of food, cigarettes, nothing!! he didn't call me cuz he didn't want to ruin my trip!!! i'd have been on that phone by 9:30!!! but then again i guess i'm selfish, huh? i told him his day definitely sucked worse than mine. i just can't believe he sat there with the dog for nine hours!!! and he's so quiet and unassuming he wouldn't dare bother our neighbors.

of course i told him if he'd called me early when he locked himself out we'd have missed driving in all the bad weather. he said (laughing) "i knew somehow it would end up being my fault".

with my stream of consciousness i can always find a way to put it off on someone else!!!

and i only wanted to toss my mother from the car maybe 5 times. oy vey...

i know. i'm so mean. maybe that's what's wrong.