i know certain things. i know what i should and should not do. i know that i shouldn't smoke, especially when i have bronchitis, like now. do i really need my mother to tell me this??? call me stupid. i don't really care, however, it's my choice. i know you say she's just concerned, and i understand that. she's just so damn abrasive!!!

i know i should take vitamins. ok, i don't know that i should, but it wouldn't hurt, right? unless i take too many, which i know not to do. do you know, MOTHER, how many bottles of vitamins i've bought, only to have them pass the expiration date sitting, undigested, on the shelf??? yes yes yes i KNOW i should set up some sort of a system where i'll actually remember to take them, but do you KNOW how i barely manage to get clothes washed and some food on the table for my family on a daily basis??? i'll get a little sheet of paper and a little pencil and plan out how i'm going to remember to take my vitamins, MOTHER, IN MY SPARE TIME!!!!! (i guess i could actually do that now, but i'd rather gripe instead!!! - see, it's my choice!!! hahahahahaha MOTHER!!!)

and yes, mother, i KNOW mosquitos carry west nile virus and i shouldn't sit outside. but i also KNOW how much i enjoy my patio in good weather. i know that red meat is bad. chicken is bad. pork is bad. vegetables are bad, especially mexican lettuce. i'm not going to live my life fearing my demise by misquito or mad cow or e-coli or salmonella or pesticide. SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!! i will eat red meat on occasion, i will eat at mexcian restaurants. i will eat chicken and pork and bacon and sushi and anything else i want to eat, and i will enjoy it and not be afraid!!!

yes, i KNOW to wash my hands when i'm sick before preparing food. and after i use the bathroom. and after i blow my nose. ok mom,
i knowiknowiknowiknowiknowiknowiknow.........

i'm serious - these are the kinds of lectures i get on a daily basis when she's around. and she never talks about anything positive or bright or happy.

geez, she must not have much confidence in the way she raised me, because at 44 years old she's still trying to tell me how to live my life. not that her life is all that great, mind you. she has a rich boyfriend that she lives with and she doesn't love, but he pays the bills and gives her plenty of $$$ to go shopping and buy name brand clothes and shoes and purses. and she buys lots of them.

maybe this is why her sister got so pissed at her this past weekend. she's always trying to impose her significant and so much-smarter-than-everyone-else opinion on us. quite frankly, i don't know how any of you have made it to the age you are without some coaching from my mother. she knows the absolute best way to do everything. i guess we're all just sub-standard, huh?

she'll tell you "you better...blahblahblah" and point her finger at you and screw up her face and then say "i'm telling you, i know...blahblahblah" wonder if she KNOWS how i tune her out, all the while imagining charlie brown's teacher's voice???

dad is always telling me that i should tell her to f**k off (yeah, he does it too - tells me how to live and yes he's about as unhappy a person as i've ever seen), but truly, living with the aftermath of that scenario is sooooo much worse than keeping my mouth shut and taking it.

c'mon september 28. she's going back to canada. we have a great long-distance relationship!! for now, i think i'll go pick my nose and eat my dinner of bird flu chicken and unwashed mexican lettuce without washing my hands!!!!!!!