due to various health issues, mental and physical, i haven't worked in a month. since i work on straight commission, i've made no money. i still have a draw coming in every week, so there's been a little money, but not nearly enough.

i have, however, explored once again the art of painting which i used to do often and with some success. i never sold anything, never tried, but had many requests for pieces which i gave away. ok, i did sell one huge macrame piece back in the eighties, but it wasn't a painting.

my therapist tells me that often people who have mental health issues are very creative and artistic people. so i'm thinking, ok, i'm nuts, so i should be good at this, right??? (i'm not completely nuts, but let's just say i have some issues, but then don't we all???)

the time has come to decide if i want to try going back to work, which turns my stomach, or try selling some paintings. i love my job, i really do as jobs go, but the stress makes me physically ill. even thinking about getting back out there makes me sick all over again. i don't have a problem admitting this. it is what it is. there are people who can handle it and do a good job. i'm just not one of them. i used to be. i worked a very high pressure, high stress job for years and made a lot of money. but the doctors have all told me that at some point your body and brain say "enough!!" and start to shut down. if that makes me weak then so be it.

i've come to the point where i'm tired of fighting it all the time. i'd rather hang onto my sanity and be a whole person than make a hundred thousand dollars a year. however, there are bills that need to be paid, and unless my hubby's promotion comes thru with a large salary increase, then i need some income. he's likely to get the promotion, he's just pretty well topped out on the salary.

so, i'm painting. i have a couple of ideas for selling (if i really am any good at this). there's ebay of course, and i'm fortunate enough to live in a city that has an excellent art league that i'll be joining. i guess i'll do enough work in the meantime, if i'm able to and as long as i'm able to, to at least not get fired.

the painting has been very therapeutic for me. i hate the way that sounds, so cliche, but it's true. it's been like a release. i imagine this is the way my son feels when he gets really involved in a video game. he says it's good for him because he's ADD. is he??? i don't know. am i??? maybe. i don't know all that much about it. but it's been good. from all of those 60,000 thoughts or so that swirl thru my head each day, i am able to slip into a place where the only decisons i have to make are the next color, the next shape, the next brush. one painting at a time versus 20 clients that need to be called back or visited, paperwork that's not yet turned in, emails to send out and answer, sales logs and reports to update, mileage reports, voice mails to check, training schedules, filing, scheduling appointments for work and home (doctors, orthodontists, choir rehearsals and performances, dentists, band concerts).

no wonder i'm nuts. it's the way of the world, you say. well, i say it's time to stop this merry go round, i want to get off!!!!

and yes, anything spinning makes me queasy.