it's been too upsetting to continue following the story. i know how it'll turn out. the child will still be dead, the parents will be in jail for many years to come, and other family members will grieve for the rest of their lives.

i guess we got lucky.

i guess one reason these news stories grab my attention is that i've had personal experience with abuse situations. i get hooked, then i have to let it go. i guess i want to know that the abusers have been caught, and i'd like to see some justice meted out, but i don't know if there is ANY kind of justice for animals like that.

taerkitty's remark that incarceration prevents any future abuse hit the mark.

when i was going thru the last divorce, my just turned 4 yr old daughter was molested by her 14 year old cousin. there was no penile penetration, but what did happen still turns my stomach. even now, it's bringing on rage, anger, sickness, all those things you can imagine it would bring.

there was a trial, complicated by many circumstances, that drug on for almost a year. in the end, the boy was sent away for a year to be "rehabilitated" during which time the county attorney would call me at least once a month to tell me they needed to take me and my children and hide us in a hotel out of town due to threats coming from intercepted letters that the boy's friends were coming to kill me.

i don't mean to sound like a redneck from ky, and i'm really not, but i got tired of hiding. i told them to let them come - to be sure and knock loudly - that i'd open the door, and promptly blow their fucking heads off.

the divorce was particularly violent, as had been the marriage, and i was well-armed for about 2 and a half years. (at the same time as the boy's trial, i had threats coming from the ex, who was on the lam from federal marshalls, as well as the divorce proceedings. the folks at our local sheriff's office knew me on a first name basis, and each time i went to court for any occasion, sometimes 3 times a week, i had my own sheriff assigned to escort me.)

i know, damn!!!

the boy's rehabilitation didn't work.

just 3 or 4 years ago i learned that he was involved in a much publicized murder that took place in this town. he's now in prison for 10 years.

10 years.

what kind of justice is that??? a family lost their 16 year old daughter, a victim of a random crime in which 2 boys decided they wanted to kill someone.

the boy was caught in his grandfather's driveway trying to clean the blood out of the back seat of the car.

i've seen him once in traffic on a busy street. he was in a truck with his stepfather. i panicked. i couldn't drive away because of traffic, i didn't have a weapon with me for self-defense. i felt like there was no way out. he didn't see me, thank the gods. i don't know what would have ensued if he'd seen me. i don't want to know.

i do want to know when he gets out of prison, IF he gets out. i guess i keep hoping, as sick as it is, that he'll do something so awful while still in prison that they'll keep him forever.

but that's a few years down the road still. i still have time to breathe, to live my life without worrying about a random chance meeting.

i have to add that my ex-husband's rehabilitation seems to have worked, although i wouldn't want to be the one to test that theory.

he's had the same sweet girlfriend since we separated. they've lived together since he got out of jail, spends time with our daughter, works, and leads a normal non-violent life as far as i can tell.

people ask how i can let my daughter see him??? and i say his violence issues were against me, not the kids. he is a doting father - i have to say a good father. he just wasn't much of a husband, but i also have to say that his father was a complete bastard of a "man". he taught his boys to fight, encouraged it even, and was abusive to his wife, so why wouldn't they have learned to be the same?

i would venture to guess that there are these types of extenuating circumstances in most all instances of abuse. it has to start somewhere. which is why i can't go the capital punishment route.

however, i KNOW where the cycle of abuse started in this family. i glibly say that i could throw the switch on the parents of the 10 year old girl who was murdered and sleep like a baby.

maybe not. i don't know all the circumstances.

but i can tell you that i will be happy to see my ex-father-in-law burn in hell for all eternity, if there is such a place. and i won't lie that i don't take some satisfaction in the fact that the bastard is living in some sort of hell on earth already. i hope he lives to be a very old man.

****

so, with hands shaking and stomach churning, i guess i really need to go and start my day, putting this post behind me as i must. i think i've recanted this story so many times, both verbally, and in my own mind, that i think each time the effect will be somewhat diminished, and to an extent it is. what do they say? the devil is in the details?

yeah, the devil walks this earth still, and must be avoided as much as possible.

xoxo

****

addendum: my daughter is well. very well. she knows something happened, but she understands that it was an act of violence, a control issue, not really a sexual thing. yes we went thru several years of counseling and she is fine. she doesn't remember the event, and it only happened once. there were some bumps in the road when she was much smaller, but so far so good. as netter so eloquently stated, it just IS. we deal, what other choice do we have???

she's as normal, fortunately or unfortunately, as any 12 year old girl.

oy vey.

me on the other hand, well, we all know how normal i am!!!!!

*giggles hysterically*