i've found them. and the little buggers are keepin me up at night. won't you please come and claim them???

a few nights ago i started having the most disconcerting dreams. the details aren't important. let's just say some are downright scary. some have been bittersweet. some just don't make sense at all. but they, and other factors, have led to laying awake at night yearning...

for what?

a reprieve from the dreams would be nice. but even that wouldn't be my first choice.

i'm about to make a bold statement. and you'd better not tell her i said it either.

mom was right. she was right about just 2 things that i can remember.

she was right when she said "if we weren't all crazy we'd go insane" and she was right about this ONE other thing. but i can't tell you what it was.

i know i'm crazy. i have doctor's notes to prove it. and the other thing mom was right about proves it further.

it's taken just this one dream i had saturday night to prove it to me after all these years. and sadly, now that it's in my mind, i can't seem to let it go. i'm fixated on it. it consumes every moment that's not totally consumed by something else. there's nothing i can do about it except stay busy and hope it passes. or at least gets easier to deal with.

it makes me laugh, it makes me smile, it makes me mad and sad, it makes me yearn, it makes me cry, it makes me wish it never was and yet could be all over again.

mostly, it's making me crazier.

is this how we are supposed to live out our lives? maybe so, for those of us who have made so many stupid mistakes along the way. bad choices. hell bent on bucking the system and proving everyone wrong just for the spite of it. us independent, rebellious types. sadness now fueled by memories of what was and will never be again.

i have a physical and crushing pain in my heart that won't go away. in time it will, but for now i suppose i must live with it, and hope the disappointment eases and the pain becomes less, or comfortable to me somehow.

i've always said i wouldn't go back and do it all over again even knowing what i know now. but i think i would change just that one decision. just that one.

would it make a difference now? maybe, maybe not. i'll never know.

thing is, it was so long ago - almost 30 years now - that i can't even remember why i made that decision. i think i know but i can't be sure. you'd think that something that's affecting me so much now would stand out in my memory as to why i did things the way i did. that's bugging me too.

no answers, only more questions, more memories, more regret, more sadness for the time being. yet i know that this too, shall pass.

if anything good can come from it - and i know it can - maybe i can teach my children not to make the same mistakes. i talk to my daughter a lot about stuff, leaving out a lot of detail that she doesn't need to know. i wish i'd been smart enough to do so with my son. i think it makes a difference with her, but again, i can't be sure. i guess i won't know for some time as she's only 12.

i guess by pouring it all out here i'm hoping my head won't explode. i've been thinking it's going to for the last couple days.

on a brighter note, hubby and i watched a huge spider spinning a web in a tree tonight. the web is at least 18 inches in diameter and the spotlight shines on it just perfectly so that we can watch it sway with the wind. it's suspended between branches, but not close to any of the leaves, so it looks as if it's just there, unattached to anything.

very cool.

xoxo