today we're going to an arts and crafts fair at a shaker village nearby. tomorrow is visitation in louisville for daddy's best friend joe who passed on friday evening.

poor daddy. his brother and his best friend all within a span of what, 3 weeks? i feel so bad for him. i always wanted, and to some extent still want, to move away from ky, to go north to some place either big and exciting, or go west to some place vast and exciting. but at times like these i'm so glad i still live only 4 miles from daddy.

mom uses whoever she's close to, or finds someone new to abuse, but dad never asks anyone for anything. for all the complaining i've done over the years about his constant phone calls about nothing, i wouldn't trade one of them for anything, and i know that some day i'll miss those calls voraciously.

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i haven't seen nor heard from my son since thursday evening. little shit. he's hooked back up with the dancer/stripper i think. i'm not THAT stupid - i know WHY i haven't heard from him, but he could make a quick call to let me know he's ok.

the kids tell me i'm wayyyy overprotective.

they say that like it's a bad thing. *ha*

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i think i've discovered the secret to wild technicolor dreams. 2 pieces of dove dark chocolate before bed seems to induce them every time. kind of, ya know, trippy.

i'm gonna try it again tonight and see if the pattern holds.

funny, i seem to have lost so much of my vocabulary over the years, and i continually try to learn new phrases and words, but i still seem to have a helluva imagination in my dreams.

some of the dreams have been unsettling at best, frightening at worst, and some are just weird as hell. it's like a little mini vacation for me.

sad, ain't it???

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so we're going to the craft show today. i have no money to spend, it's hot as the hinges of hades, but i'm determined to pick up some new ideas if nothing else, for projects here. paintings, in particular. i also want to try some decoupage again. i loved it back in school and have some ideas, but i need inspiration.

i'm sad about the fact that my mind seems to be in "automatic pilot" mode and i have less and less creativity the older i get.

it seems i'm so used to the daily grind. and i hate that. i need new and fresh, and i need a lot more color in my life. and i used to have such good ideas and such creativity. i'm sad that i used to have friends begging me to do art of all kinds for them, and i used to sell all types of pieces, and now i can't even come up with a good idea. i work part time - so time isn't the issue. i have supplies - so money isn't the issue.

i wish there were a way to purge all the crap taking up space in my head. i'm trying meditation now. i found a decent website that has soothing music and voice prompts. the longest one is no more than 10 minutes, but i figure it's a good way to get started until i get used to doing it and am able to do so myself.

hell, maybe i should just hook up with my son and his friends and drop some acid.

(JOKING!!! ONLY JOKING!!! never have and never will)

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speaking of the daily grind, have you ever noticed how much noise is in this world? if you are fortunate to live in the country, maybe you're not bothered by the constant sensory overload. but here in the city it seems i can't get away from it. and i need some peace and quiet, dammit!!

last night during meditation i turned off the phones, closed the bedroom door, lit a candle, turned off the lights and turned on the fan for background noise to shut out all the other noises i could hear.

it was so lovely.

i look forward to doing it again tonight.

i remember when my sister was here we went to natural bridge state park and hiked up to the bridge. the hike kicked my ass, but i remember stopping at many times along the way just to listen...to nothing...maybe a bird chirping or singing, maybe a little furry animal skurrying along in the cover of growth, maybe a distant voice on the trail or water splashing on rocks - there was a storm that day, so we could hear thunder rumbling - but there were no cars, no air conditioners humming, no "city" or "urban" noises, and it was so refreshing. i crave that. i mean, i really need it sometimes.

and my dear little katherine seems to have developed a need to talk incessantly!!! not to mention the 6 or so hours i spent with my mother yesterday. not only does she never shut up, but her incessant chatter is mostly bitching about......whatever. i try to tune it out, but it's a constant barrage.

there's a monastery about an hour from here. i've considered going just to have a quiet weekend. and i do mean quiet. they don't charge for staying - they ask for a donation. they have newly renovated quiet single bedrooms, very stark and sparsely funrnished. and they have acres and acres of wilderness and meadows that you can plant yourself in to read, paint, draw, meditate, whatever. sounds perfect to me.

****

yeah, i need an excursion of a quiet kind.

xoxo