i didn't realize how much this whole board of association thing was affecting me. and not in a good way.

i wasn't gonna address any of it this weekend, and i was doing really well. i wasn't thinking about it, no one had phoned me all day yesterday about any of it, and i wasn't doing any "at home" work on it.

my son is helping out with the roofing of our clubhouse this weekend. no problem. he came in yesterday and informed us that our maintenance man left about 10 mins after they all got to work, supposedly to go pick up some tools, then never came back the rest of the day.

still no problem for me. i wasn't giving it a thought, really not letting it bother me even tho this is the 4th or 5th time the maint. guy has walked off the job. the board pres keeps "writing him up" for it, like it makes a damn bit of difference to him. i guess he figures she's not ever gonna fire him for it, so BFD, right?

a while ago i was out in the parking lot cleaning out the boot of my car when a neighbor came out and started talking about it all. then the board president drove by and started talking to me about all of it. then, thankfully, my mom called and i told the pres i had to take the call.

the damage had already been done. i was not breathing well, chest hurting, mind reeling. and i was having such a good weekend, too.

i'm done.

i was >< this close to a complete breakdown when i left the sales position at the newspaper. wayyy too much stress. crying, couldn't breath, heart palpatations, chest hurting, afraid to drive by myself, hallucinations, had to force myself to get out of bed, and the list goes on. i recognize the signs now, and i'm not going there again.

if things were progressing in a logical fashion, i might feel differently, but they're not, so i quit. they don't know it yet, but come tuesday - the next closed board meeting - they will know, and they will know why. then i'll just get up and walk out and not look back.

it will be so much easier to just write the damn checks for the maintenance fee and assessments and be done with it.

i've never been a quitter in my entire life which is why it took me so long to leave that former job. i've always fought the good fight for what is right. but damn if i'm gonna compromise my mental and physical health and my time with my family, and for what?

maybe some day we'll get this place fixed up and be able to sell it and leave. i feel for those who have to stay here for whatever reason. but for the time i have remaining to live here, i choose to remain blissfully ignorant, no matter how much money it costs. i can make more, but it seems i can't recapture the spent brain cells i have left, nor the time i have left with my family.

i think i'm calming down now. thank you.

****

so, a little laundry, a little dusting, some light cleaning and cooking - that's what's on my agenda the rest of the day. some more reading and wine. maybe a hike or a bike ride tomorrow.

making peace with my house, my family, and myself.

yeah, that's it. peacefulness. tranquility. positive energy.

so what are YOU doing this weekend???

xoxo