In a press conference yesterday, General Motors announced that its new line of sport utility vehicles (SUVs) would sacrifice fuel efficiency in favor of transforming into giant robots.

"The 2005 SUVs are, in a word, dynamic and exciting," said GM Vice President of Development Seth Forrest. "We've been listening to customer comments on some of our most popular models, and we knew that we had to raise the bar another notch this year. It came down to a choice between making our new models safer and more fuel efficient, or giving them the ability to transform into giant robots. And well, let's just say we listened to our customers."

The new 2005 Yukon gets approximately 1.6 miles to the gallon, and was recently rated "Appalling" by the Automotive Safety Research Institute (ASRI) in terms of its ability to protect passengers from fatal injuries, prevent accidents through maneuverability, and make sharp turns without rolling over and exploding. Forrest stresses, however, that accidents are likely to decrease dramatically because Yukon drivers now have the ability to shift into "Avenger Mode", a vaguely humanoid robotic form capable of making fifty-foot jet-pack-assisted vertical leaps and firing beams of plasma through six feet of solid steel. The Yukon XL Denali, the company's most exclusive model, will also feature a "Hybrid Mode" between the standard Driving and Avenger modes. In this mode, drivers will still be able to operate the vehicle as an automobile, but fully-functional arms on the sides of the vehicle will be able to clear away obstacles, prevent collisions, and deploy anti-aircraft rockets as necessary.



According to Forrest, the project has not been without its difficulties. "One of our earlier models would transform just fine, but it would sort of squash the occupants of the vehicle. It really wasn't pretty. Also, have you ever tried to turn a cellular antenna into a plasma cannon?"

Other SUVs in the GM line of automobiles are following along similar lines. The Chevy Avalanche was one of the earliest entries into the field of configurable transportation, giving drivers the ability to change the vehicle from phallic-compensatory SUV to a gas-guzzling full-size pickup. The new 2005 model keeps this ability and adds a new Vortec 9700 V24 engine capable of draining an entire fuel tank after fifteen seconds of hard acceleration, along with magnetic laser cannons, shoulder rockets, and a truly impressive leonine roar. Its newest distinguishing feature, however, is a cooperative driving experience whereby five Avalanche drivers can, by working together, transform each of their vehicles into an arm, leg, torso, or head, and then join together to form SUVtron (Ess-You-Vee-Tron). SUVtron, arguably the most powerful force in the galaxy, carries a barrage of electrical, plasmic, magnetic, and ballistic weaponry, and can form a blazing sword of energy in emergency situations. In addition, because drivers are all shunted to a single cockpit when forming SUVtron, they can legally use the carpool lane.

"The coming year is going to be all about choices," Forrest concluded, ending his press conference by hopping into a HUMMER that subsequently transformed into a fire-breathing cybernetic triceratops. "For those lightweight tofu-eating pansies that want to flitter around worrying about the environment or traffic safety or paying less than seventy bucks when filling up your tank, I'm sure Honda will have another one of its sissy little gas/electric hybrids. But for real American men who want to travel without boundaries and obliterate small mountain ranges as needed, General Motors will always be there."