Well, I feel better. There is nothing like a day of misdirected biligerance to soothe the soul. It also helped that my art dir. class went really well. In THAT critque i didn't suck. So I guess the summary is that my ego is sated, and I'm willing to stop pouting for a cookie.
/pout

I realize now, I got too twisted up about the illustration piece. It never fails to amaze me that some projects I do in my sleep and do really well, some things I struggle with and fail.

[later note: the art dir piece that I did so well on took me about 2 hours in the morning before class. I basically had the idea, but didn't have the time to finish it because I gave my heart and soul to sigourney.]

I think it comes back to pool. I can play pool if I'm not concentrating. [use the force] I keep hoping that it will some day form a pattern and I'll be able to see how my talents can be applied to the design world. It would give me a direction.

Another thing I determined yesterday is that I seem to be on the theme of duality this quarter.

Each quarter I seem to pick up:
a) one band or singer
b) one specific technique or medium
c) a theme

[This quarter: a) Fiona Apple, b) Acryllics, c) duality. ]

I don't usually pick it up until later in the quarter when I lay out all my work so far, and know where I'm going with my final pieces. I choose themes like how one would choose what to eat. Sheer Whim

I seem to be dwelling on my personal duality: one role by day, a different role by night. Over the last few years I have developed this spliting of my day, so I must be doing it for a reason. I mean, I must be doing it because it is the way I want to work.
[Read: No gun to the head.]

Working in general: I always have a job. Always. I must want to be working. And actually I found having a part time job was harder (more fracturing) than working full time and going to school.

These days I just want to get up when I want, work when I want, and sleep when I want. In other words: I want to dottle! Dottle! Dottle! Dottle! I just want to play with ALL my toys before I leave in the morning. It's simple really. I am the center of the universe.

Duh.

So I'm lured by the idea of getting out of a 9-5 job and go freelance. But I have to ask, will I actually be happy? Will I feel useless?

hrm.