The Husband tells me he can get toilet paper replaced in the bathroom near his office by just asking the cleaning person to put some in there. In contrast, the process at my work takes a few steps (and two reports, several emails and about 45 minutes) more, as follows:

1. Notice the lack of toilet paper. This is by far the easiest (but by no means the most embarrassing) step . . . unless you don't notice till it's, well, too late.

2. Tell someone about it. Okay, maybe that's the easiest . . . or so you'd think.

3. Learn that "telling someone" means writing a report about "the issue" online. The report should be submitted under your Sup's name, 'cause otherwise the staff that reads it won't pay it any attention.

4. Seek wisdom about next step. Warning: this step involves your Supervisor laughing at you and suggesting it may have been better if you'd never noticed "the issue" at all. (Officially the most embarrassing step.)

5. Write a Security Report, detailing "the issue" and the actions you've taken to rectify the problem. Make sure to include such details as when, where, who, what and wtf? and the fact that you've filed that previous report already. Warning: when the program tells you it hasn't saved your Security Report and that you have to do it over from scratch, it's lying. Just thump it hard, say, with a mallet, and it'll get back on track forthwith.

6. Print out the Security Report after sending . . . Oh! You forgot to send it as an attachment to your Sup and Manager first?!?!? Too bad, the program closed. Now you'll have to search through your rather massive communal drive for the file.

6a. After spending 20 minutes running various searches for the elusive file, find it (yay!), but if you want to make sure it's a)really yours, and b)not blank, too bad, because it's protected and you can't open it. [step 6a(1) involves a lot of head-bashing-the-computer behavior not suitable for most audiences.]

7. Send the file anyway. I mean really, it's toilet paper, fer gawd's sake.

8. Give the printed copy of the Security Report to your Supervisor. Listen to her chuckle over "the issue" again.

9. Send another email, to some miscellaneous person, after "the issue" has been resolved . . . which it was about half way through the second filing of the Security Report, by the regular cleaning crew person, on his regular rounds.

10. Weep. And vow always to bring spare tp in your backpack in the future.