5th.
Disease.

(BTW, this post is messy inside-my-head stuff, but for those of you who are desperate to read a non-Harry-Potter related post in the blogosphere, well, reading this one will make you question just how desperate you truly are. Go outside. Get some fresh air.)

C apparently had/has it. It's a very common virus, the main symptoms of which are rash and fever--and she only had the former. Remember the discussion here about prickly heat? We assumed it was that because the rash wasn't slowing her down in the least.

You can read more here.

The only wrinkle is that fifth disease can sometimes cause complications for a fetus, especially in the first trimester. But chances are good that I had the disease as a child and am immune. The midwife asked me to come in today so they could do a blood test to see. I should know in a week or so. I'm not worried. Even if I'm not immune, I would still need to contract it (a 50% chance), and I think I would have by now (C ceased to be contagious almost two weeks ago). And even if I contract it, serious complications only occur in 5% of pregnancies. But don't worry, Mamala, I will let you know.

(Now's your chance. Get out while you still can.)

While I was there, I had the lab draw a couple vials of blood for the AFP test, which is a primary indicator for Down's Syndrome and some serious neural-tube defects. The decision on whether to have the test or not has been a rather neurotic lurch down "Parents Who Think Too Much" Boulevard.

It's an optional test. Insurance usually doesn't pay for it. I'm not 35 so the risks of birth defects are low. False positives are common with the test and require a follow-up amnio, which carries risks of its own. We wouldn't terminate a fetus with Down's anyway.

And all of this was why, last time, we declined the test and never looked back.

This time, I declined the test and it just didn't feel right.

So come along, let me guide you through the overthinking:

Why doesn't it feel right?

Because. Isn't it obvious? I had one perfectly healthy child, so tragedy must surely be lurking around the corner.

Yes. In my whacked-out karmic mother-universe, you only get one healthy baby per customer.

So once I wrestled free of that fear--that False Evidence Appearing Real--there was other stuff to deal with.

Why was I content to breeze through without this test the first time around, but not now? Is it because I'm three years older now, so my risk has ticked up ever so slightly? Am I older and wiser, or just more paranoid? Or do I feel a sense of responsibility toward the child we do have--needing to consider the sacrifices that would be required of all of us if her younger sibling had profound, constant needs? And isn't it horrible to think that way? Isn't every child a gift?

And I'm as pro-choice as the day is long. But that's the point. We chose to have a baby, this baby, whoever s/he is, come what may. But what about quality of life for him or her? Could the test reveal something that could be corrected in utero, or if the news was bad enough, would it lead us to make a painful decision now that would minimize the little one's suffering?

It's all quite a little knot. But what it came down to was, experience was clashing with intuition, and that's an uncomfortable place to be.

Experience says, the vast majority of births are free of complications. I have no risk factors. I take my folic acid (important for the prevention of neural-tube defects). Everything was fine last time. Statistics suggest that it will be again. Pregnancy and childbirth are too medicalized. This test is optional and it's not medically indicated for me.

But intuition was saying, hang it all, I want the test this time. I had declined it, but the decision wasn't sitting well with me.

What do you do when experience clashes with intuition?

Apparently what I do is, I look for some silly sign, something like "we need you to come in and give us a blood sample to see if you have an immunity to fifth disease," and I go, oh, well, since I have to be there anyway...