Jon Stewart’s Daily Show used to have a helpful segment called “Mark Your Calendars,” that provided information about commemorative events like National Hug-a-Tree Day or somesuch. Unfortunately, they don’t have that feature anymore, otherwise I would have known that Talk Like a Pirate Day was two weeks ago.

Another one I missed: this week is Screw Around Your Customers Week. Bet you didn’t know that either, eh? Well, here are a few guidelines to make the most of the few days you have left to give people the runaround:

1. If you work at a retreat center, help a local pastor arrange to spend a few days of study leave at your facility—the first, a Monday afternoon; the second, a two-day visit a few weeks hence, with an overnight in between. Be sure to confirm the dates via e-mail. The false sense of security you convey will only mean a better payoff later during SAYCW.

2. When the pastor arrives on Monday afternoon, make sure you’re in a meeting and nobody else knows what she’s talking about. Coach your co-workers to look at her like she’s slightly crazy.

3. When she shows them the e-mail on her laptop with that day’s date clearly displayed, and with your name at the bottom, ask them to claim ignorance, and to tell her there is no room and that someone will call her back later.

4. They may be tempted to say they’re sorry for the inconvenience. They are wusses. Forbid them from doing do.

5. Leave a message on the pastor’s cell phone the next day, confirming her visit on Thursday (which was not one of the confirmed dates). Tell her you are checking on the overnight date. Do not acknowledge Monday’s snafu, or the fact that yes, that overnight date that’s now up in the air had been previously confirmed. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. This is not National Apology Week.


1. If you work in a doctor’s office, take a message from a woman inquiring about her test results, which the lab told her would be back today. Assure her that someone will get back to her right away. Hang up the phone and snicker.

2. When the woman calls back around 4:30, tell her that because it’s nearing the close of business, that nobody will have time to get back to her that day; she will hear something tomorrow.

3. When she tells you that she left a message three hours ago and was assured of a call back, tell her that the office asks that people wait 24 hours before inquiring about test results.

4. Consider it a mark of a job well done when you’re able to get off the phone before the woman has the presence of mind to ask why the hell this wasn’t made clear the first time she called. Clasp your fingers together in front of you and do your best Monty Burns: “Excellent.”


1. If you work in a sandwich shop, inform the pregnant woman, who has been craving panini all day, that the grill is not working.

2. Equipment malfunction, of course, is not your doing, so it doesn’t really count as screwing around your customer. You must think quickly so as to still get credit. Hmm…

3. Ask if the customer wants mayonnaise or mustard on her BLT. When she clearly and loudly says mayonnaise, which everyone knows is the backbone of the BLT, ignore her. Bag up her dry sandwich and lament the fact that you have no mustache to twirl villainously.


I hope these tips help you, Dear Reader, make the most of Screw Around Your Customers Week. Next week: Patience is a Virtue Week. Someone else will have to write that one.