Ah, evenings. Dinner’s done; I can hear mommy’s meal percolating away, digesting nicely… wonderful white noise to accompany my evening nap, while she sits and does whatever quiet thing she does all evening. Then she will lay down for her own sleep, at which time I will be refreshed, full of energy and ready for my strict regimen of isometric stretching and tae-bo. (I don’t care whether it’s passé or not, it makes me feel good!)

Hmm. This is a little different. She’s talking—that’s not unusual, but I don’t recognize the other voice. It’s a woman, and she sounds very excited about something. And they’re walking somewhere together. Oh, now they’re sitting. Well, maybe they’ve just gone for coffee and are going to chat with one another for a little while. Nothing to worry abou—

WHAT THE BLAZES IS THAT?!?!?!?

It’s like the whole world is coming to an end! Oh, the noise! Where are the pleasant dinner bubbles? All I hear is this incessant pounding, and somebody singing. More like screeching. What the… now mommy’s singing. No, yelling! “Oh… you… look… so… beautiful tonight!” Whatever. I will never understand adults.

And now she’s jiggling around like crazy. Normally that would put me to sleep, but there’s no fetus on the planet that would be able to sleep with all this caterwauling going on.

And it just keeps going! And—wait. Did she just say “Woooo!” DID MY MOTHER JUST SAY “WOOOOOO!” If I weren’t the only one in here I think I would die of embarrassment. Honestly, do parents serve any purpose other than to mortify their children? Methinks the answer is a resounding no.

…Gosh, she’s been standing for a long time. When is she going to sit? I want to change positions. Maybe if I rap on her ribs a little bit… there! That’s better—no, still standing. Sigh.

…Ah, finally we sit! Time to shift around. There. Ah, the infernal racket’s gotten a little quieter too, but now it’s very hot in here. She also seems a little out of breath from all the singing and jiggling. Yes mommy, you have me to thank for the diminished lung capacity! Me! Remember me? Whose evening you’re ruining with this noise? Isn’t this how they torture prisoners to get them to talk? Well I don’t have any state secrets! I’m negative-nine weeks old, after all!

Gah! Back up again! And now her bladder’s really full! Well surely she’ll go to the bathroom soon, and ah, ‘twill be quiet bliss.

…Hmm, I can’t help but notice she’s not going. I mean, it’s really full, and it’s cramping my style, what IS her problem? Why would she choose all this blaring noise over a nice long pee? Oh my goodness, is she being held here against her will? Hey! Let my mommy go, you bad singing man!

Wait, now she’s singing again. I guess she’s OK then. “How long to sing this song… how long to sing this song…” Yeah woman, that’s what I want to know.

Ah, free at last. Walking. More sitting. Still no peeing. We’re on a train, lots of stops and starts. Now a car. Now, home. The bathroom. Then, finally, sitting in a comfortable chair.

And this sound I know—the faint sound of tap-tap-tapping and click-click-clicking. Now that’s an evening sound I’m used to!

Whew!