I’m feeling a bit down today. It’s snowing a little outside, but not the good kind. I was with both the girls this morning and felt like I had limited patience and energy for both. How do you play with a spirited preschooler when your baby will only nap in your arms?

Monday I told C we’d go to the playground. M screamed in the stroller the whole way. I persisted because I knew she was tired and I figured she’d fall asleep. She didn’t. C made exactly two trips down the slide, then we rushed home with a squalling M. By the time we walked in the door, Zzzzzz. So we had hot chocolate, which makes everything a little better.

I’m also down because I’ve been living in this comfortable box—the four walls of this house, and perhaps the four sides of this computer screen too. It’s been a cozy nest, and I’ve been pretty oblivious to the outside world. I saw some church folks last night—the deacons had a little shower for me at a member’s house. I brought M with me, who slept the whole time. They gave us some gifts for C, a huge basket full of baby stuff, and several casseroles. It was great to see them, but while I was there I learned about two loved ones who are very ill.

This isn’t some maternity leave boundary cross. I would have wanted to know about them. It’s just the fact that they’re sick. It hurts me to know they’re hurting. Being with the folks last night was a dose of reality. People live their lives, they’re happy to see you, they get sick, they sometimes get better. And in a few weeks I’ll be back out in that world as a pastor.

Most of these deacons are stay-at-home moms, including the host of the gathering, who is quitting her job in a few weeks in anticipation of her second child being born this summer. The second child does seem to be the tipping point. So why am I not tipping over? Sometimes I look at these women and I think, I want what they have. Trouble is, I’m not sure what exactly they have that I want. I want time and space with my family and myself, I want those things to be a priority, but I also want to work. Don’t I? Maybe what I want is an attitude thing more than anything else. So that’s good right, because attitude is the thing that one has control over, regardless of the situation. Unfortunately my good attitude gets derailed all the time and I’m left with, Well, maybe tomorrow.

Bleh. Like I said… down.