Senate of Southern Commonwealth
The Office of Senator Earnest P. Pontificator

Reverend Senior Pastor
Suburban Presbyterian Church
Suburb, Commonwealth

Dear Reverend Senior Pastor,

I am writing to ask your help with one of the most important moral and legislative issues of our time.

Oh, my gracious!
You must be referring to the two million children in our state who lack health insurance!
Or the fact that we have not raised the minimum wage in nine years!

…No?

OK, well, is it the war?
The death penalty?
Global warming?

No? Well, am I getting warmer? (Bad global warming joke)

Then what, pray tell, is this pressing moral issue? Could it be, perhaps, your gripping need to energize the conservative evangelical base?

Traditional marriage is under attack in our country.

Bingo.

As a reverend, you know how important strong marriages are to the future of our children and our society. The current attack on marriage puts the next generation at great risk and dishonors the God who established marriage for our first parents.

Uh, first parents? Are you referring to Adam and Eve?

If so, I must reluctantly commend you for not parroting that tripe about “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Beyond that, however, I must ask where in Genesis 1-3 it refers to Adam and Eve as a married couple. I’m not saying they weren’t, I’m just suggesting you’re making a cultural assumption that just is not supported in the text.

And who officiated at that wedding anyway? God?

“By the authority vested in me by… Me, I declare that you are husband and wife.
Those whom I have joined together, let no one put asunder. That shouldn’t be tough because there’s no one else here.”

Nearly two years ago, the United States Supreme Court ruled that states cannot criminalize consensual sexual acts between members of the same sex.

You say that like it’s a bad thing…

Oh that’s right, you’re for limited government that’s just small enough to fit in our bedrooms.

[Lots and lots of verbiage, none of which explains why a stable, loving home with two parents of the same gender “puts the next generation at great risk.” It does, however, explain that the Marriage Amendment will give every Commonwealth voter an opportunity to “stand up for marriage the way God intended it: between one man and one woman.”]

Which would be news to Jacob, and his wife Rachel, and his wife Leah, and his wife Zilpah, and his wife Bilhah…

Reverend Senior Pastor, I cannot rest until I have done everything I can to pass the Marriage Amendment and so protect another generation of our children.

I can't help but notice that you still haven’t explained how this will protect our children.

And it seems that you aren't going to, because it's time for our closing hymn—please stand and turn in your hymnbooks to #457,
“It’s Me, It’s Me, It’s Me O Lord,
Pandering in the Need of Votes.”

I am asking for your help now. Would you allow me to visit your Sunday service in the next few weeks and talk with your parishioners about the marriage amendment and its importance? If you would allow me five or ten minutes of your service time, I would appreciate the opportunity to address the importance of the marriage amendment for us in the Commonwealth.

To respond appropriately, I must seek assistance from teh internets. Click here, Senator, and you will receive your answer.

In case that isn’t clear enough:
Thus spake reverendmother:
Verily I say unto you, thou shalt not peddle that shit in our sanctuary.