This past year, interactions were uncertain and lacked definition. There was an ambiguity about relationships. Often they were downright confusing, with a high degree of anxiety in the mix.

The lesson? Let situations evolve and go with the flow, rather than try to force structure or plan things out. It is a waste of time and effort to try to rescue someone when that individual really does not want to be saved or even understood. Let them seek help on their own, if they will.

Trying to force a perception of the future or an understanding of the past onto someone else is like shoveling sand with a rake. Leave them to make their own choices as independent, self-governing adults. One who continues to push loses his sense of self and eventually become victimized by his own misguided efforts.

This past year was a power struggle over self-identity and self-expression. Unconscious messages were working to create a life which was a reflection of another's personal needs. And then there was the sudden awakening to the fact that someone else was exerting pressure to coerce duties of service as a martyr or mother.

The goal for the year was creative self-mastery, learning how to balance the external demands of full-time career and household upkeep and medical assistance tasks with the internal need for identity, for self-expression and autonomy. There were two external forces at work and two messages to deal with. First, the external message of what one is meant to be, a message playing on existing fears and therefore accepted easily. (Should, Supposed to, Ought to, Must are their names.)

Second, the push for conformity, to be doing what is expected, as defined by the significant other, with the backing of social definitions of roles and personas.

Together, these forces effect partial control of oneself by others, since self-expression and autonomy are limited by automatic reactions to unconscious messages and by susceptibility to psychological forces exerted by the other person. And if that other person is a master in the arts of manipulation and control, it is difficult to set limits and draw boundaries, but achievement of that goal was the mandate for the year. To do just that.

The emergence of excessive demands on the part of the person seeking control actually made the task easier, because at long last the pattern became clearer as it became more and more egregious. As somewhere between the unconscious messages (from the past or from one's own fears) and the push for conformity, there is a loss of self-identity, of any personal life, the flame of spirit wavers and threatens to go out.

Becoming aware of the controlling process and working towards balancing external demands with the internal need for self-identity is the key. There is always a choice: to submit and lose one’s identity. Or to engage in the positive experiences and detach from the negative ones; set boundaries and establish limits.

Onward into the new year....