Bullies are hard to handle. The most difficult are the most intimate ones--parent, husband, caregiver. Here are some suggestions, things I learned through trial and error.

1. Don't let him get away with it. Don't think to yourself, I'll give in, just to keep the peace. It will only get worse if you do not stand up for yourself. Yes, you'll get knocked around this time, but you will have set a precedent for resistance. Leave the scene if you feel yourself at risk.

2. Report the abuse. To the police, to other family members, to your doctor, to your minister, to your online journal. It will strengthen you to take whatever steps will be necessary if you take the first step of describing and challenging and refusing to accept the abuse.

3. Be rational. Particularly if you're a woman. If you are irrational and emotional, your statements and accusations will be chalked up to "emotional woman" syndrome and dismissed out of hand. Be logical, describe events or verbal abuse in a linear timeline.

4. Express emotions appropriately. If you show no emotion and speak in a soft, even voice, you will not be taken seriously, just as you will be dismissed if you rant and rave. You must state your case with depth and conviction and determination, but not in an upset fashion. Speak with deliberation; breathe.

5. Be organized. When you confront your abuser or report the abuse to another person, have an outline with you so that you do not lose track of your agenda or get distracted onto another topic during the meeting. Stay focused.

6. Be consistent. You have your story, you have the details, you have your notes. You will be asked over and over about the incidents. Don't be creative and try to describe in different words, add details; just repeat your facts as often as you must.

7. Ask for confirmation from witnesses but don't be surprised if they chicken out when it comes down to confrontation or submitting a signed statement. Be prepared to go it alone, if you have to.

8. As much as possible, give examples that resonate with people, things they are familiar with, such as having the checkbook taken away or being slapped like a child. Bizarre events, though they did occur, are not likely to be believed and will weaken your story. Focus on the bully's actions first, then his words.

9. Emphasize your own competence and sanity. Your manner and affect during your presentation will also speak to these aspects. Explain the effect the bully's actions and words have had on your work and on your quality of life. At no time agree with any description the bully might have of any negative qualities of yours (even if they're true)--this discussion is about him, not you.

10. Be specific. Avoid "them" and "he". Use names, dates, places, events.

11. Avoid psychobabble. It's not your job to delve into the murky psyche of the bully and try to see why he did what he did. You can say you understand his point of view, but only if that statement is coming from your own competence and self-confidence. If it's coming from weakness, because you don't want to be confrontational, don't say it. Everyone in the conference will know it and pounce on it and you will have made yourself a victim once again. Apologize for nothing. Remember: this person is a bully and will jump on any sign of weakness.