Yesterday we went to Same Day Care at the VA where they gave him vicodin, sleeping pills, antibiotic for what may be an underlying urinary infection (a really terrific doctor named Rosenblatt). Today he woke up and wanted to go back to the ER (I think it's fear/anxiety, relieved by the white coat/stethosocope effect). I convinced him to wait a few days to see if the new protocol provides any stability/relief for him.

Then I went out into the back yard and cried and cried. Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing works. Nothing helps. I can't do anything quite right is how I feel. I wish I would drop dead, but my treacherous heart keeps beating. So I just keep on, keeping on. My back is hurting, but I am learning how to lift and move him without too much pain--maybe the muscles are getting used to the work? Crying helps get it out of my system.

Parkinson's symptons are aggravated by infections--even a cold or the flu--so I'm hoping knocking down the UTI with the new antibiotic will improve his situation overall. (I'm an optimist.)

This week I'm taking half days off from work to help him get stabilized and on a regular schedule, then next week I'll ask for a split shift, so I can start earlier and work later and drive home in the middle of the day to give him meds, feed and change him, put him back to bed. Then drive back to do the second half of the work day. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I can't ask anyone to do this for me, it's important to him to have me around (and it's not the kind of tasks that you want to share), though I do have a nurse coming in from midnight to 6 a.m. so I can get some sleep (very expensive, but I have got to get some sleep!). I'm hoping the VA will get around to giving him daytime Aid and Attendance but their processes move pretty slowly and meanwhile I'm slowly being destroyed.

Again, thank you for your concern. I hope to keep in touch with you all, if I don't drop dead from sheer exhaustion, grief, and frustration. I think about death a lot, but not in a hopeful way, just as a transition, one way or the other. (No, I'm not suicidal). But one of us will have to die for this situation to end. I've heard that extreme stress is a killer, but I never believed it. Now I do.

Next Month I am determined to search for upbeat, positive topics. Enough with this stuff!