1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 p.m. and then call me into your office. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always come late to work, or leave midday without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when I have to lie about whether or not you're at work.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic....

5. If you give me more than one job to do, without guidelines for any of them, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late unpaid. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything else to do.

7. If a task I do satisfies you, keep it a secret from me and from your bosses. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion or at least a "thank you".

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be dissed in management conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, keep them to yourself until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Be nice to me only when the report I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you to Manager Hell--or get you promoted.

11. Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. I am motivated for excellence by mediocre performance ratings.

12. Favoritism in the office will earn you the undying regard of all who work for you--and not in that nice fuzzy way, either. Be nicest to those who suck up to you; they are in training for your job. Show them how it's done.