Regarding the Lord is it mine? post, Outta asked me this: ...why is this all so important now? what has happened to make is so now? and how are you finding these things that you are making yours?

really, i'm interested in knowing the process behind these thoughts...

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Well, Outta Dear, and to anyone else who might wonder, I'm not sure I have The Answer, but I can tell you these things:

- I trusted myself enough to make a change. I've made a few in my time, each one calculated to set me up for a new career or situation in life. Some changes have been successful, some disastrous, but none life-threatening. The kind of life one can have when gainfully self-employed was one I wanted, but was too afraid to try. I had trained as a sign-language interpreter, and had never really taken that to its full freelance potential. My teaching life made me more and more bitter, and everyone felt it. Now change is more allowable, in my paradigm, and not a sign that the last choice was wrong. I'm simply trying another thing now.

- I had always clung to guarantees, and was so desperate for change that I let them go. I wanted to be a teacher because I had enough skill to do it, and what do you know, they give you all that vacation time and benefits to boot! Well, after seven years of trying to make sense of a broken system and preserve my sanity, whatever that is, I woke up to myself. Sure, I'd known for years that I was unhappy, but I kept asking myself how I'd possibly make it without the safety net of state benefits. I just got to a point where it didn't matter what perqs I was getting, they couldn't outweigh the constant albatross weight.

- I was ready to take responsibility for my actions. I have money in the bank, and a fully renewed teaching certificate under my belt, so the risks are emotional and skill-related, not financial. I will always be able to support myself, so I can risk what I couldn't before. I can risk that I'll be successful and that I'll tolerate success.

- I am learning to love myself. I am nowhere near as yucky and fat and ugly and boorish as I paint myself to be (though I can be all of those things), and I'm okay with journeying toward accepting myself.

Therefore, I could start something new before it was too late. I could go into all the old family dynamic crap, but really that's old news and I'm onto something much more exciting. I'm living a life that allows me to do things I enjoy, things I've wanted to do, and not feel guilty about it. Whose life is it anyway? Regret is powerful and I don't want to sit around truly regretting anything I haven't done. I want fond memories and a reason to wake up every day and say, "What's next?"