I live with a dilemma. Well, many dilemmas, but one in particular these days.

The old cut 'n' run. A perennial favorite in the heavy rotation on the playlist of Brain Squirrel Radio Northwest.

But it's not just cut 'n' run. It's real circumstances and real desires to go toward, not just to run away. To help, to find the next phase of a life that has, admittedly, been a mosaic of good and bad choices while running.

I finished massage school, and chose to come to DB for my first work experience. I hadn't yet established a practice, I had no promises to keep (except to pay my bills and feed my cats), and I was ready to chill out on the Other Island. So here I am, and all is fine.

But another event horizon looms, that of what to do after DB. In the real world, I have people offering work but not guaranteeing it, though I believe something will materialize there. I also have the option of decent work, with a heinously expensive commute. I could work at the local coffee shop, and really work the massage angle on my own, setting up at the Farmer's Market for chair massage, etc. All fine ideas, and all things I am willing to do.

Second option involves some guilt, as I was programmed to feel guilty for having "fun", which is to say for pursuing anything gratifying to me and not expressly serious and focused on serving others. This option involves upending my life. This option would be to work at various resorts and see the country and/or the world. I'm not giddy and naive; these places are all dysfunctional and all beautiful and all incestuous. But I feel finally mature enough to work when I'm working and to enjoy my time off. I've entered the world of the staff benefit, the ability to use the facilities in a place I couldn't otherwise afford. Discounts on skiing, on kayaking, on whatever. I could foster my cats to someone loving, give up my waterfront apartment, and see and do so much. Do the things I have always thought of, but couldn't figure out how to do before.

The third option, and this also appeals in some way, would be to move north to the woods, set up a yurt on a piece of property, and spell my mother as she is my dad's caregiver. My mother and I have what we call the "asswiping clause", our agreement that I will take care of her in the later part of her life because of the amazing and above-and-beyond care she has given me in times of trauma, sickness, and fear. I've wanted a yurt for years, and maybe she'd be cool with getting me one if I was integrated into the family caregiving unit. I feel that she needs more help than she gets, and I'm afraid she's getting depressed. I always thought I'd be living with her and caring for her physical needs, but maybe the time is now to help her, so she can have some life in her life. I could still have adventures, but I'd be taking care of, and somewhat taken care of. Is this what family is about?

Adventures, all. What do you think?