Also lifted from yesterday's email to a good friend (who is likely reading, so SK, you can stop here because you're seen it before):

Okay, so special ed. When I think of going back, I get ill. Not because of the work itself, but because of the bureaucracy, the betrayal, and the bullshit. (I'm a fan of alliteration.) I'm nowhere near as facile as you at letting things wash off me. I have always been in awe at your composure, your ability to get by and not seem to seethe underneath. I'm a seether. I've always been depressive to some extent or another, and watching good people work under stress that makes them ill is too much for me. I cried the first two months at CES [my school], then I got The Fire, then I just got tired.

[A colleague] asked me last Christmas when I'd be ready to come back and sub (and what a commodity I'd be then, eh?). I said, "Honestly, I am not ever thinking of it. I would look at your meticulous and ambitious sub plans, and then I'd get a cup of coffee, wander the halls, visit people, and let the kids play. Sorry, but I know I wouldn't be able to muster any enthusiasm for it whatsoever." Her expression was priceless. "Oh," she said. "Well, thanks for being honest with me."

Being good at something doesn't mean I'm not riven to the core by it. Did I mention I tend toward the negative?

That said, I'm missing my health benefits and that $50K a year a whole lot. I'm scared of life without that guarantee. I would go back under somewhat my own terms in order to move closer to my mother, but I would hope to do more interpreting or something like that, and not have responsibility for IEPs, curriculum, or supervision. If I go north, there are many districts around: Marysville, Snohomish, Everett, Lake Stevens, Arlington. I worked in Lake Stevens in the early 90s, and in fact it was there that a principal asked, "Is there some reason you're not a teacher?", leading me to the profession and to become the whimsical, cherry-coke swilling gal you know and love.

That's enough for now. I love the kids, I love the parents (mostly), but I'm not sure I'm ready for the full-blown IEP circus again. When money gets even tighter, ask me again.