How do I even begin telling the tale of the conversation I had with my landlady (LL) today? It was absolutely surreal.

First question was about the curtains. There were curtains in the apartment when I moved in. I folded them and put them in the closet, because I used my own drapes. Now the old curtains seem to have been packed up with my things, and I haven't dug them out yet. I told LL I would look for them, as my brother and his friend did some packing, and I wasn't sure exactly where they were. The conversation (me in regular type, LL in italics):

Can you do that tonight? I could meet you here (the island) tomorrow.

Uh, no, I live in Arlington now. (40 miles and a ferry ride and three rush-hour hell zones away.)

Well, I could meet you in Seattle. (Seattle is a mere 5 miles closer than the island is. No help there.)

I don't go to Seattle. I will box the curtains and mail them to you.

Oh.

Second issue: the fake woodstove, which burns propane:

There are five screws missing from the flue, and there is debris that seems to have fallen into the stove from above. This is extremely dangerous, and I'm not sure you understand what a terribly concerning thing this is for me.

I don't know about that. I've never used the stove. I never got propane services when I moved in, because I don't use that heat in the spring and summer.

Well, this is a very dangerous situation. Someone could have tried to use the stove and been asphyxiated. If I hadn't checked it, someone could have died. I had to call the repair person out to inspect it and clean it. I'm very concerned about this. How did this happen?

LL, I really don't know how it happened. I never touched the stove after I put my plant on it. I never used it for heat, just to hold the plant. I can't give you any more information than I've given you. Are you implying that I somehow tampered with the stove?

When I went into the apartment, the french doors [to the deck] were open [she meant they were unlocked]. Could someone have gotten in that way?

Well, for that to happen, someone would have had to scale the building, walk across the roof and then climb onto the deck. And no one's done that in the 2 years I've lived in the building. I highly doubt that anyone scaled the building, broke in, and then did nothing but remove five screws from the stove. I don't know what to tell you. I know you want resolution, but I can't provide it to you because I really have no more information to give you.

Maybe we should call your housesitters. Maybe they know how this happened.

My housesitters didn't use the stove, because it was summer and they didn't need to use the heat. Besides, I didn't have gas service, so they couldn't have used the stove. You have their number, so you can call them and ask.

I don't have that number any more.

Okay, I'll look for it. (No, I won't.)

It's just that I don't know how this happened, and someone needs to be told that their actions were potentially lethal. Someone could have been killed, if I hadn't checked the flue! And I had it inspected when [the former tenants] moved, so I know it was in good working order when you moved in.

[I am silent.]

Third thing: the deposit and what will be withheld:

I had to spend hours cleaning. I'll have to charge for that. (She already withholds a $75 non-refundable cleaning fee.) And the curtains aren't there, so until I have them back, I'll have to charge for that. I also need to charge $40 for the heating guy to come and inspect the stove. I would have been more flexible had you left the curtains and cleaned the apartment. . .

LL, you made it very clear when I sent you my move-out letter that you absolutely would not be flexible.

(silence. And then:)I could have charged $100 for the curtains but I will charge only $50. And of course you are still responsible for the rent from October first to the twentieth.

Oh. (waited a full 30 seconds...and nothing, so:)I will look for the curtains as soon as I have time, and I will contact the housesitters to see if they know anything about the stove.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

---

Of course, this is condensed to about 20% of the length of the actual conversation, which took about 15 minutes. Unbelievable paranoia, irrational reasoning (is that an oxymoron?), and perseveration that would make any therapist see dollar signs because it would be a real puzzle to unravel.

I plan to write a letter offering to let her keep my entire deposit, and countering her assertion that I didn't comply with the terms of the lease regarding 20 days' notification to vacate with the RCW outlining the responsibilities she shirked: keeping a weathertight dwelling, for one, and letting me go 8 and a half days without water without compensating me for those days. Then after quoting the RCW (law), I will recommend that she keep my deposit with my blessings, and that it would be best if we both consider the matter closed. Pursuing the legalities around my notice or her negligence in making timely repairs would only bring us both a lot of grief and waste our time.

That, in a nutshell, is the story. And you know it's not over, so keep watching. Updates as they become available.