I handle this. Sometimes well, sometimes not. Tonight is somewhere in the middle.

I called my friend to see how his checkups went today. Bones are healing well. Brain is taking a bit more time. No driving for a while, no alcohol. Full recovery is still expected, and everyone is still impressed with the robust recovery he is making.

Somehow I can't shake a certain feeling. Let me make a distinction here: It's not an attitude or philosophy that is negative or obstructionist. Those realms are rock solid and not at all involved in the limbic pity party that goes on unbidden when I think I've put the lock on the tear ducts for the night. PTSD, your favorite all-night radio station, playing the hits over and over and over until you really don't want to hear them anymore.

It's the feelings. Emotions don't follow a schedule, and they don't necessarily respond well to being told to calm the fuck down. They just show up, baggage in hand, ready for a good session of whacking me to my knees.

I told him tonight that I try to shield him from the times when I am sideswiped with unexpected grief or sadness or funk. I know he wants me to be healthy. He graciously told me it's all okay; he said I did my part, he's alive, and that I can cast out that worry. He said it the way a pastor would, in a way that let me know it was okay not only with him but with the Universe. It was so heartfelt. It is difficult to process the experience we had together, because neither of us wants to add to the other's burden. That leaves me without a real sounding board, because as sympathetic as anyone might want to be, they weren't there. I know I won't find peace through anyone's intervention. I just want to be held sometimes and made to feel safe. Just once in a while. Just when the monsters come out from under the bed on rare occasion.

I've been taking refuge today in a song that my friend's brother wrote:

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
'Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near

I want a good worship service, something with choruses and swaying and silence and connection. No homily, please; I write my own. Just singing and reverence and the resolution of minor chords to sweet, sweet major.