Do you ever wonder why people do the same dumb things over and over? I’m not talking about just once in a while. I mean over a decade? For instance, taking medication. I have been taking Zoloft (antidepressant) for jeez, maybe 10 years. Every couple of years I try and stop taking it. I wean myself off and feel pretty good for a few months. Then all of a sudden, I notice I’m sleeping all the time. I’m short tempered and sad. If something pops in my head, no matter how mean, it comes out my mouth. Even if I don’t think it sounds mean. I can tell by the way people stop and look at me when I say something. People at work ask me if something is wrong, they tell me I seem so sad. My mind isn’t working. I’m disorganized and unfocused. It’s like my mind can’t hold a thought long enough for me to get up and do whatever the thought was. I drop things all the time, I run into door frames and have the bruises to prove it. I have no patience. I can’t focus long enough to even listen to someone talking to me. I will be listening, then all of a sudden my mind is somewhere else and so much time has passed when I realize it, who ever was talking to me is gone. It’s like constant bad PMS. I have absolutely no interest in anything. I don’t even care if I take a shower or not. I have to force myself to get up and do it. Then I just comb my wet hair. I haven’t worn makeup or fixed my hair in weeks.I don’t do anything I should, grocery shopping, meal planning, nothing. I don’t have bad thoughts or anything like, I just don’t care one way or the other. It’s all the same. Gray, dark and indifferent. I thought I was doing okay. I really did. I was losing weight, taking supplements, eating better, exercising. But when I look back over my food journal, I stopped losing weight about the time I stopped taking the medication. I started eating fast food again. I started sneaking sweets. I guess it all goes back to the not giving a shit thing. Even my glass art has suffered. I don’t have the patience for it right now. It’s really hard to explain how my mind works, or doesn’t work. There is no rhyme or reason. The best way to sum it up is indifference. But then again, I really do care. I just can’t hold the “caring” in my brain long enough to count.
Before all the people who love me call and bless me out. Let me say one thing. I STARTED TAKING THE MEDICATION AGAIN. I have taken it for two days and will take it again tonight and the night after that and on and on.
I talked to John about it the other day, he said “it is not a weakness to need the medication” I never really thought it was a weakness, per say. It is more like just wanting to be normal. To not need assistance. To not need a pill to function.
I will get better. I have done this so many times over the years. You would think I would get it.